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A Former Clergyman Reviews Strip Clubs

Because, why not?

by

[Ed. Note: Johnny Chips is not his real name, obviously. This former clergyman of more than a decade got in touch with the offer to walk through the finer ins and outs of local gentlemen's clubs. How could we possibly say no?]

Listen up, all you depraved, debauched, cauldrons of steaming iniquity.  Yes all you men (and a few women) out there. Sometimes a two-dimensional image is not enough, is it?  You need to experience the physical presence of a human female, in all her glory. Whatever your particular situation, sometimes you've just got to have some personal, live, three-dimensional female interaction.

"Now, you could go out to the local tavern and try to engage a woman in conversation. That's always an option, but the potential pitfalls are numerous: there may be no desirable females in the vicinity; or, that attractive female with whom you're trying to interact has a gargantuan, jealous, homicidal boyfriend who's just gone to the bathroom and is returning shortly; and so on and so forth That means a trip to the Exotic Entertainment Emporium.

I use that term deliberately because of the pejorative and negative connotations inherent in terms like 'strip club' or 'tittie bar.' These terms are usually employed in a contemptuous fashion by people who have no idea what actually happens inside these venues.  They denigrate the very real people who are employed in this industry.  

As a Valentine's Day service to help you narrow down your choices, this ratings scale has been designed to help you make an informed decision on where to spend your entertainment dollar.  

RATINGS SCALE:  

Each club is rated on a scale of 0-100 Degrees.  The cumulative number of degrees is broken down in this manner: ACCESSIBILITY/LOCATION:  0-10 Degrees AFFORDABILITY:  0-10 Degrees VENUE LAYOUT & DÉCOR: 0-10 Degrees BARTENDERS, WAIT STAFF, & FLOOR PERSONNEL: 0-20 Degrees QUALITY & QUANTITY OF THE  ENTERTAINERS: 0-50 Degrees   CHRISTIE'S CABARET  

1180 Main Avenue, Cleveland, OH 44113 TOTAL SCORE:  91/100 DEGREES (Access/8; Affordability/7; Layout/10; Staff & Service/18; Entertainers/48) There are clubs in Las Vegas that don't have the talent that this venue has

If you like a lavish and ornate atmosphere, this is the E3 that you want to patronize.  And if you like to interact with an eclectic variety of women, this venue has that as well:  black, white, Asian, Latina, you name it; you can usually find entertainers here who span the entire spectrum in terms of ethnicity, stature, body type, etc.  This club tends to attract the 'crème de la crème' of women who aspire to be exotic entertainers.  They also usually employ some very engaging and attractive servers and bartenders, who can help break the monotony if the entertainers are otherwise engaged. But as always, you get what you pay for.  This is one of the pricier clubs that you will find, and if you encounter someone that strikes your fancy (and it's likely that you will) you can drop a healthy stack in a couple hours. Of course you can always go in with a smaller bankroll and sit at the bar and converse with the entertainers, and many of them will be happy to engage you in conversation if you're willing to foot the bar bill. A dance will cost you $20, and if that sounds outlandish to you, well, then Christie's is probably not a place you want to patronize.  It's recommended that you head upstairs with your favorite female if you want more privacy.  You can enjoy a private dance in a chair for the same price as downstairs, only you won't have to worry about a lecherous old guy leering at you from the next table as you get your groove on.  If you're certain that you want to spend a fair amount of time with the entertainer, there are couches available, but they cost extra.  

THEE DIAMOND'S MEN'S CLUB  

(1628 Fall St., Cleveland, OH 44113) TOTAL SCORE:  85/100 DEGREES (Access/6; Affordability/10; Layout/6; Staff & Service/18; Entertainers/45) This E3 is the granddaddy of them all when it comes to Cleveland clubs, having been around for decades under the moniker of Mickey Finn's.  Since its renovation and expansion some years ago, it's a nice place to come and relax with a drink and to have a relatively good chance of encountering an engaging female.  This club also seems to have an uncanny knack for employing a personable and entertaining wait staff. As a potential or current consumer of the product, it's incumbent upon you to realize that the employment situation is never static.  It is always fluid and dynamic.  One day a woman might be employed at one venue, and within the next two weeks she might have already been entertaining at two or three other clubs.  You just never know. The reason for the aforementioned is that you can only make assertions about the level of talent at a club conditionally.  In other words, you can say, "This club tends to attract the most attractive entertainers..." but girls move around.  A lot. Here you'll be treated like one of the family, if in fact your Uncle Vinnie owned a club and was always encouraging his nephew (you) to come in and sample the.  You will be less likely to encounter the 'hit it and quit it' mentality whereby the entertainer comes up to you table, foregoes the greeting and says "Do you want a dance" in a way that reminds you of your last proctology exam, and if you decline she storms off. That's a potential danger in some of the bigger, flashier clubs. PLATINUM HORSE CABARET  13955 Brookpark Road, Brook Park, OH 44142 TOTAL SCORE:  81/100 (Access/9; Affordability/10; Layout/5; Staff & Service/17; Entertainers/40) Some places are just 'down-and-dirty.' And that's not meant to refer in any way to the actual cleanliness of the place; it's meant to say, "This is us. This is what we do. If you don't like it get the hell out."  The Platinum Horse has always had that kind of defiant attitude, in this writer's estimation.  Maybe it's because of the locale in which this club is located.

At any rate, when you go in here, you know you're in a strip club.  Perhaps it's just the layout of the venue that's a little off-putting.  Aside from the private rooms in back, everything is right out in the open.  If you are worried that Johnson from Accounting might see you dipping your toes in the exotic entertainment pool, I would not recommend this venue because the options for privacy are minimal.

The quality of the entertainers seems to vary considerably, depending on when you go.  It seems a lot of disaffected/disenchanted entertainers from other clubs migrate here, or neophyte dancers start their careers here; the atmosphere is probably less intimidating to a newbie than a place like Christie's or Hustler. But you'll be warmly welcomed and well treated.

CRAZY HORSE MEN'S CLUB  25540 Miles Rd., Bedford Hts, OH 44146 TOTAL SCORE:  83/100 (Access/8; Affordability/10; Layout/5; Staff & Service/15; Entertainers/45)

The layout of this club is also a bit strange, where the space is a little cut-up and disconnected.  But that's only a personal idiosyncrasy. Where Crazy Horse really shines is the elevated quality of the food.  I kid you not.  I always tell people the best steak I ever had was served to me at the Crazy Horse in Bedford Heights, and it cost me a whole $4.99; and yes, I've eaten at Morton's, Delmonico's, Flemings, etc.  Maybe it's because I ate the succulent portion of meat with a succulent female sitting at my table, but I really don't think female pulchritude has that much of an effect on taste buds, I really don't. At CHMC, if you're in the mood for a table dance, it's recommended that you go upstairs.  Again, as with the Platinum Horse, the problem is the layout of the venue that leads to a lack of privacy.  If you're a pretty brazen and unflappable kind of person, then more power to you; enjoy the bump and grind.  There is also a private room where you can go to enjoy a dance, but it's almost like a cubicle atmosphere where you're separated from your co-worker by a partition

Happy clubbing! And God bless.But as always, you get what you pay for.  This is one of the pricier clubs that you will find, and if you encounter someone that strikes your fancy (and it's likely that you will) you can drop a healthy stack in a couple hours. Of course you can always go in with a smaller bankroll and sit at the bar and converse with the entertainers, and many of them will be happy to engage you in conversation if you're willing to foot the bar bill. A dance will cost you $20, and if that sounds outlandish to you, well, then Christie's is probably not a place you want to patronize.  It's recommended that you head upstairs with your favorite female if you want more privacy.  You can enjoy a private dance in a chair for the same price as downstairs, only you won't have to worry about a lecherous old guy leering at you from the next table as you get your groove on.  If you're certain that you want to spend a fair amount of time with the entertainer, there are couches available, but they cost extra.  

THEE DIAMOND'S MEN'S CLUB  

1628 Fall St., Cleveland, OH 44113

TOTAL SCORE:   85/100 DEGREES (Access/6; Affordability/10; Layout/6; Staff & Service/18; Entertainers/45)

This E3 is the granddaddy of them all when it comes to Cleveland clubs, having been around for decades under the moniker of Mickey Finn's.  Since its renovation and expansion some years ago, it's a nice place to come and relax with a drink and to have a relatively good chance of encountering an engaging female.  This club also seems to have an uncanny knack for employing a personable and entertaining wait staff.

As a potential or current consumer of the product, it's incumbent upon you to realize that the employment situation is never static.  It is always fluid and dynamic.  One day a woman might be employed at one venue, and within the next two weeks she might have already been entertaining at two or three other clubs.  You just never know.

The reason for the aforementioned is that you can only make assertions about the level of talent at a club conditionally.  In other words, you can say, "This club tends to attract the most attractive entertainers..." but girls move around.  A lot.

Here you'll be treated like one of the family, if in fact your Uncle Vinnie owned a club and was always encouraging his nephew (you) to come in and sample the.  You will be less likely to encounter the 'hit it and quit it' mentality whereby the entertainer comes up to you table, foregoes the greeting and says "Do you want a dance" in a way that reminds you of your last proctology exam, and if you decline she storms off. That's a potential danger in some of the bigger, flashier clubs. PLATINUM HORSE CABARET  

13955 Brookpark Road, Brook Park, OH 44142 TOTAL SCORE:  81/100 (Access/9; Affordability/10; Layout/5; Staff & Service/17; Entertainers/40)

Some places are just 'down-and-dirty.' And that's not meant to refer in any way to the actual cleanliness of the place; it's meant to say, "This is us. This is what we do. If you don't like it get the hell out."  The Platinum Horse has always had that kind of defiant attitude, in this writer's estimation.  Maybe it's because of the locale in which this club is located.

At any rate, when you go in here, you know you're in a strip club.  Perhaps it's just the layout of the venue that's a little off-putting.  Aside from the private rooms in back, everything is right out in the open.  If you are worried that Johnson from Accounting might see you dipping your toes in the exotic entertainment pool, I would not recommend this venue because the options for privacy are minimal.

The quality of the entertainers seems to vary considerably, depending on when you go.  It seems a lot of disaffected/disenchanted entertainers from other clubs migrate here, or neophyte dancers start their careers here; the atmosphere is probably less intimidating to a newbie than a place like Christie's or Hustler. But you'll be warmly welcomed and well treated.

CRAZY HORSE MEN'S CLUB  25540 Miles Rd., Bedford Hts, OH 44146

TOTAL SCORE:  83/100 (Access/8; Affordability/10; Layout/5; Staff & Service/15; Entertainers/45)

The layout of this club is also a bit strange, where the space is a litle cut-up and disconnected.  But that's only a personal idiosyncrasy.

Where Crazy Horse really shines is the elevated quality of the food.  I kid you not.  I always tell people the best steak I ever had was served to me at the Crazy Horse in Bedford Heights, and it cost me a whole $4.99; and yes, I've eaten at Morton's, Delmonico's, Flemings, etc.  Maybe it's because I ate the succulent portion of meat with a succulent female sitting at my table, but I really don't think female pulchritude has that much of an effect on taste buds, I really don't.

At CHMC, if you're in the mood for a table dance, it's recommended that you go upstairs.  Again, as with the Platinum Horse, the problem is the layout of the venue that leads to a lack of privacy.  If you're a pretty brazen and unflappable kind of person, then more power to you; enjoy the bump and grind.  There is also a private room where you can go to enjoy a dance, but it's almost like a cubicle atmosphere where you're separated from your co-worker by a partition

Happy clubbing! And God bless.

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