Today's topic: Santa Claus
I was at the coffee shop, and the guys all agree: Santa Claus has turned pansy.
Why, back in my day, Claus was a real guy who lived at the North Pole, which was over on Euclid, which used to have department stores where a guy could buy a plow horse or some nice wingtips, not like these wingtips the hoppity-hop stars wear today.
And Santa’s wife was a great dame, a real looker. Why, if your wife got a bee in her bonnet, you could go over to Santa’s house, where Mrs. Claus would have a pot roast and some bourbon waiting. That broad could cook. Which is why Santa was a real fat guy, not like these fat guys they have today, who eat some meat and potatoes, then go jogging with their energy drinks.
Back in my day, Santa made real toys with real lead paint, not like this Chinese lead paint they have today. He had a bunch of midgets working for him. They all graduated from Thomas Edison, which was named after the guy who invented the car, only now it’s called Martin Luther King, who only listened to Nat King Cole on the car radio. They don’t name schools like they did in my day.
Every Christmas Eve, Santa drove around in a sleigh delivering the presents, not like the Santa they have these days, who gets UPS to do it. He climbed through the chimney and delivered it fair and square, not just leave it on the porch where the neighbor kids can steal it.
Back in my day, the neighbor kids were better than they are today. They had real names, like Ken and Smitty, not Justin and Jason. And they didn’t throw eggs at people’s houses. They threw real stuff, like rocks and scrap metal…
This has been another deep insight from Dick Feagler. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...