McCain: That Feagler is a Man Among Goddamned Fairies

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Editor's note: Dick Feagler is off today. Today's morsel of nostalgic Wisdom from Dick was written by Republican presidential candidate John McCain, on his new favorite topic: Dick Feagler I was on my campaign bus, and my aides all agree: This Feagler is my kind of Goddamned stand-up throwback son of a bitch. Why, I’m going to ask my Goddamned Mussolini of a scheduler if I can’t pencil in 300 seconds of face time with this Feagler when we’re stumping in Ohio. Over a hard-boiled egg and a Red Bull, I’ll shoot the shit with the man about the old days. Days so good that in those days, real Goddamned Eisenhower-fearing Americans like us shot the shit about the present. (Click 'More' to read on ...) In Feagler’s and my day, men didn’t walk around with mini-phones clipped to their ears like Goddamned Twilight Zone cyborgs. And they didn’t have strategists nagging them with poll results every Goddamn twelve seconds on electronic devices named after forest fruits. And blacks and ladies, Goddamnit, did not run for president. Why, back in Feagler’s and my day, every man was a throwback son of a bitch like me and Feagler. If you weren’t living thirty years in the past, you were called contemporary. Which is sort of equivalent to being called a fairy, in that you think pink is an appropriate color for a tie, and you like a thing called Timberlake. Which, a flamingly contemporary aide has just informed me, is not a body of water in Saskatchewan. Why, I got half a mind to make this Feagler my running mate. And when we get elected, you leftists better be glad that old POWs don’t die. Because if I did, Dick Feagler would be president. And he’d run this country with such Goddamn Buchanan-fearing values that they’d make the values of Dick Cheney look like those of his bulldyke daughter. Now get out of my Goddamned face. I got some babies to kiss. This has been a deep insight from John McCain. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...
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