by Frank Lewis
What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever tried or heard? What was the best?
Editor's note: Two responses to this question came up so many times that they deserve special note. The first: At least two dozen people cited this as the worst pcik-up line ever: “Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running around my mind all night.” And the second: At least that many women insisted that the best line is some variation of, “Hi, my name is ____, and I wanted to meet you.”
The worst is “Hey can I borrow a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fall in love.”
“Do you know karate? Cause that body's kicking!”
Worst: “Your father must have been a thief: He stole the stars from the heavens and put them in your eyes.”
Worst: “If you were yogurt would you be fruit at the bottom or stirred.” Best: “I’m in a band.”
Worst: “Nice shoes, wanna f**k?" Best: "Hi, my name is (insert name), and I'll be going home with you tonight."
Best: Someone told me that they wrote the screenplay for the movie
Beer Pong. I don't even know if there is such a movie or if it really needed a
screenwriter, but I gave him points for originality.
“Didn't you used to babysit my best friend?”
My guy friend likes to use, "You're almost as pretty as my mom." I like that one.
The best was my ex, he told me my eyes were mezmerizing.
I'm a ginger, so anytime a dude says he has a “thing” for redheads, I get a little skeeved out. I try real hard to resist the urge to retort with, "Well, maybe you'll find one someday who has a ‘thing’ for creeps and live happily ever after."
Bad: “Do you wanna fuck or do I owe you an apology?” Good: “How was your day?”
"Do you work for UPS? Cause I saw you checking out my package."
Worst: “I lost my number, can I have yours?” Best: “I have your name tattooed on my dick.”
“Why are you so cute?”
The worst pick-up line was by my friend in the Navy. He told this girl, "Girl, you’re so fine I'd eat your butt" — and she gave him her number.
I heard a guy say this to a girl he didn't know at a bar: "How many have you had so far? Let me know when we can go back to your place."
Worst: “Do you got Italian in you? Do you want some?” Best: “Oh, the things I'm going to do to you later.
Worst: “Are you related to Angelia Jolie.”
“You would look good riding on the passenger side of my Lexus.”
Best: “You smell so good, I just got a hard on.”
Best and worst: “Wanna get a pizza and fuck?”
"Do you believe in reincarnation? Because I feel like I knew you in a past life." Some guy actually tried to use that on my friend — we cracked up!
Worst: Licking me and then telling me they had to get me out of my wet clothes.
Worst: "Are those real?" The best: "My friend wanted to buy you a beer" — and only because that's how I met my husband. Really, it is a terrible way to pick up women.
The most weird one I've gotten was, "I think I saw you in a porn once."
Worst: “Don't go in there, the sprinklers might go off.”
Best: “Next time you are in the shower, will you pretend the soap is me?” Trust me, this has worked magic.
“Wanna fuck bitch?” I was 16 and blurted it to an incredibly hot woman who appeared to be a few years older than myself. As it turns out it very well may have worked if I had not been in shock at her rather positive reaction. I was just showing off and had fully expected a slap or to be called something much worse than bitch.
The best is simply, "Hi, I'm (insert name here). Can I buy you a drink?"
Worst: "You have awesome tits. Go home with me." Best: "I kept inviting you to those things on Facebook ’cause I kept hoping you would show up."
“How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice! Hi, I'm Jason!”
Went out after my class reunion and some guy tried to convince me he graduated with us so he could come talk to me. Bad, very bad.
Best: “I have a puppy in my van. Would you like to see it?”
Worst: “I wanna drink your bathwater through a straw.”
The very best, ever, involves one person being across the room from the other. The picker-upper wiggles their index finger (so as to beckon the other person over), and when the other person crosses the room, the person says, "I knew if I fingered you long enough, you would come."
Worst: "Let's go make love." Best: "What would you like to do?"
Worst: “Did you fart? Because you just blew me away.”
“I'm no Fred Flinstone but I sure can make your bedrock.”
“I decided to ask you out because when all else fails, everyone knows you can always get lucky with the waitress." That was the worst!
“You look Greek. Are you Greek? Because you were so handsome, I thought you were Greek.”
“Hey, my name’s Jeff and I want to eat your pussy.”
“The last one wasn't this feisty …”
The best was when I met my not-yet-wife and she whispered in my ear "Let's go to my place and recline."
What are you most afraid that a partner might think about you?
Editor's note: As you’d expect, many women cited their weight in response to this question, and many men mentioned penis size. We edited out some of those to avoid the repetition. We also noted an interesting contradiction: Many men and women worried about being boring, and just as many seemed concerned with being overly enthusiastic or experienced.
That I’m a controlling bitch in bed. Why spend an hour eating me, just stick it in already.
That they can do better.
That I don't give a good blow job.
That I need to lose weight, sad but true.
"Holy shit she's pale!" "Wow, that was great! Wonder how many times she's done that?"
Mostly has to do with body hair.
That I'm promiscuous because I'm so good in bed. (I'm not, I'm kind of a prude.)
That I'm too aggressive or sex crazy.
That I'm not like the girl he's had in the past, that she did something to him I don't. I try to have fun and be naughty with him but am not like those skanky girls.
That I'm a head full of crazy.
That they can take advantage of me when I act submissive.
I'm too experienced.
Knowing how many girls I've been with and that much older woman turn me on.
That I'm just going through the motions. That I've lost my desire for her.
That I have more money than I do.
That I am dirty, and not in a "Oh, you’re a dirty little girl" kind of way.
Not aggressive enough.
That when I drink red wine I become an undercover freak behind closed
Too short (height), too rough, bad kisser, that the sex was “good” or “nice.”
That I am a bad person.
That my balls and ass smell.
I wouldn't want him to think that he wasted his time. Even if he doesn't like me as a person, he should have a good sexual experience.
That I'm a sissy.
That I'd have sex with anyone.
That I'm weird or mental for a specific request.
I used to be afraid that my partner would think I'm a pervert, but I am in a loving, trusting relationship, so I feel completely open with my husband. I truly never thought that could happen.
That I'm too casual about it, I laugh too much, I don't take them seriously. Laughing during sex is a good thing, guys. It means I'm having fun.
That I'm a whore.
That my penis is not large enough. That bothers me the most, am I alone on this?
That my dick isn't big enough (tainted by porn) or that I am not aggressive
Dick is too big.
Probably that they're really not attracted to me, and are just doing a mercy fuck.
That this is love.
After sex, have you ever asked yourself, How did I wind up here? How DID you?
Oh, a few times. Mostly because of beer goggles and loneliness and Lakewood bars.
Only if I started blindfolded.
I have never asked myself that question because I was usually the one
encouraging others to behave in uninhibited sexual behaviors. I have participated in at least a dozen three-somes and group encounters and they were all a blast!
Of course. And the answer is vodka.
I did once, but mostly I ask myself how can I end up there again.
I don't always make the best decisions with men. Mostly because I'm a softie for a swell personality, and despite a lack of physical chemistry, try to hope for something to work out with a "nice, incredibly funny guy." It never works. So I screw them and myself, because they end up falling for me and I ultimately lose them as friends.
After a threesome with two guys. I planned it and thought it would be hot, but vodka helped get me through it. It would have been a nicer experience had the second guy not looked like a beefcake version of Joe Pesci, that was really gross and distracting.
Yeah, with the first guy I did it with. It was a crazy day. We were supposed to go to the movies and ended up at a friend's house and did it on the couch.
I woke up on a hotel room floor in front of the door during a Furry convention next to a girl and the bassist from Foxy Shazam. Hand to God.
When I was single I did. I ended up there because I was a handsome young musician at the time. It wasn't difficult.
Yes. She's 24, I’m 47 and damn that was good!
After a threesome one night, I woke wondering, why her? That must have been a good concert!
I rolled off a fat chick in a foul-smelling Parma condo, and thought to myself, "That's the last time I'm ever mixing gin with Jagermeister."
That damn Patron. Every time, never fails, when I drink too much of that stuff I'm waking up in a fetal position, butt naked, asking, how did I get here, did we do anything, who drove, what happened, wow what a night.
Yes, after tag-teaming a girl (who was twice our age) with a buddy and then watching her snort a line of coke of our kitchen counter. I thought, what the fuck is going on and how did this happen? I had a $200 bar tab and the Red Sox won the World Series that night.
Well, as I lie pickle-in-the-middle between my husband and another hot chick I have to thank the miracle that is beer for another good time.
Yep. Cheated on the ex-boyfriend with some guy from Britain that I had just met on the Internet. Totally random, not sure how we ended up making out, but then it led to the worst sex ever.
I spent a night on a beach in a seriously low-to-the-ground tent with my then boyfriend and my soon-to-be girlfriend. We had a three-way in which the entire campground heard EVERYTHING and the morning after revealed embarrassment to a degree I had not previously experienced.
A few times, early on in my marriage, I had sex with my husband after a fight while I was still upset but wanted the fight to be over. Those times I remember thinking I shouldn't have taken the easy way out.
While I was in the service, I went to the Enlisted Men's club. The aircraft carrier had just pulled out to sea, and a lot of Navy wives and girlfriends were on the hunt. I got hammered, and woke up the next morning with a 300 -pound woman in bed next to me.
How did I wind up here … I guess I don't really care!
She was a really good friend who had a crush on me, but I wasn't attracted to her. One night we got really drunk and we hooked up. The aftermath was a little awkward.
Being a bridesmaid …
What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had while getting it on?
Editor's note: There were more responses involving a "rogue finger to the anus," as one respondents put it, than are presented here.
A finger shoved up my ass. Was like WTF! Then it was like WOW! That ain't so bad.
A guy was about to come and started peeing while he was coming. So cute and funny.
My mom interrupted and asked me for eggs once. Granted, I was still in high school. I still think to this day it was a clever euphemism.
A lover whipped out a honey bear, emptied a portion of its contents on my leg and licked it off.
A huge hemorroid. Huge. Eww.
When I found out that my 6-foot-1, 260-pound BF had a 4-inch penis.
I found out I actually like anal sex.
HAT TRICK — three times in a row, simultaneous orgasms.
Besides the guy ejaculating on me before he even got it in? The guy changed cock rings every two minutes, and then asking if he could chain me up in his basement.
Some guy just grabbed my boobs and started having sex with them, it was unexpected.
With my ex, I thought it was big and everything, but when it came out it was so small and skinny! I was technically still a virgin after we did it.
My boyfriend back in high school was big into anime and Japanese culture. We had been having sex for two years with nothing surprising or weird coming up. Out of the blue, he asks me to put on cat ears and purr during the act. I obliged, only to find out I can't purr for beans. He got so angry with me we stopped mid-nookie and he yelled, "If you're not gonna do it right, forget it!" This may not seem weird in the grand scheme of things, but when you're 17 it's kinda bizarre.
When the police interrupted and asked us to please leave the park.
Having a third person join in.
His penis was less than 2 inches.
This girl I was with told me that she fantasizes about going down on other girls.
I met a girl when I worked downtown in the Flats and we danced together. She came out to where I lived and were about to have sex and she asked if it was ok that she take her legs off. I was completely thrown by this and she had no legs from the knees down. They were prostetic legs. I still did it, if you’re wondering.
That dirty talk, when timed correctly, can ignite passion to a white hot intensity.
I was a college kid, finally going to bed with the shy hottie I'd been lusting after for a month in English 101. We climb into my bunk bed, get naked, and she takes me into her mouth. I'm having a great time, about to blow my load, when she quietly slips her thumb up my ass. That freaked me out.
I got a bloody nose, while on top. Surprising, but not in a good way.
Having a vaginal orgasm! It's only happened with one guy who was also only the second man I ever slept with.
In younger years, once had an ejaculation hit the ceiling and then just dangle there like the sword of Damacles.
To learn that I could squirt.
Having handcuffs slapped on while my eyes were closed and my attention was on an impending orgasm.
It would have to be the first time someone licked my bum bum. I was surprised he did it and surprised by how awesome it felt.
That the biggest man isn't always the best man.
Her roommate came in totally drunk and in black leather mini and wanted to join. [My girlfriend] got upset and left, expecting me to leave too. Instead I stayed and the roommate and I spent the next two hours fucking like rabbits.
That she likes bondage.
Once a woman pushed her forearm into my throat while she stroked me off. I was surprised how hard I squirted from the thrill.
In this day and age of shaved and trimmed mounds, I was shocked to encounter ’80s-like bush. It really was gross and I never thought I'd be a carpet muncher but that's exactly what it was like.
My 4-year-old coming into the room and yelling "Get off my mommy!"
Having children interrupt. Having in-laws interrupt. Breaking the bed (yes, we broke our bed) right after his grandma's funeral. It was the hottest sex I've ever had.
Semen should never come out of your nose.