Struthers City Official Wants No-Sagging Ordinance

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You are killing America.
  • You are killing America.

Here's the thing about the great institution of Small Town Middle America: it can never just be, its always got to in a huff about something, positioning its white picket battlements against a perceived harbinger that supposedly threatens it's very Small Town Middle Americanness. Music, Guatemalan immigrants, gay marriage – you name it, some small town somewhere is getting up a fight against it.

Down in Struthers, they're spittin' mad about sagging – at least that's what the kids call it on the internets, really it's just letting your butt hang out for all to see, damn rap music. Now what type of goofhead would want everyone to see his underwear? No one wants to see that, or at least that's what the Mahoning County town's safety-services director is trying to tell city council. Ed Wiles wants an ordinance on the books that says your pants have to be sensibly placed when you're in the city building, according to the Vindicator.

To make his case, Wildes actually said this in a council meeting:

“I would like to take a common-sense approach,” Wildes replied. “You shouldn’t walk around with your pants hanging off your [butt].”

And this:

“You wouldn’t go into a job interview like that,” he continued, or into the courtroom or a school, he pointed out.

“I’ll be damned if I’ll let them in city hall like that,” he said.

And this:


“You start letting the youth in this community dictate what’s going to be done in this community, and you’ve got chaos,” he added. “It starts with a dress code.”

The youth! See, we're not dumb, we know what's really going on here. This is all a joke. Wildes is probably just Ashton Kutcher in a fat suit, trying to Punk us "slow" Midwesterners. Nice try, Hollywood. No one would actually get up in a public meeting and make inane comments about sagging in 2012. You need to get a little more creative, Kutcher. Better luck next time . . .

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