by Kyle Swenson
Straight from Scene's letters to the editor inbox, for your reading pleasure.
Dear Sirs and Madams,
It would behoove you all to examine this weekend's Plain Dealer. There, instead of the vile muckraking and insinuation you find littering the Scene, you'll see an actual piece of journalism about my latest success, the Yellow Butterfly Winery, located in bucolic Tuscarawas County. Though it may a stir disbelief in jaded lewdsters such as yourselves that a former public servant can find contentment in the country, the PD was more than willing to present my current state in breathless prose unclouded in the main by foul accusation. Lo, finally a reporter who didn't come calling with rude questions about secret FBI affidavits, or millions of dollars in unscrupulous contracts, or the interminable list of former city hall staffers currently incarcerated on corruption charges, or even my past brief yet largely-unsubstantiated acquaintance with Nate Gray. Nay, only cads such as yourselves would venture such calumny, you who once had the temerity to write: “[T]he City of Cleveland was open for business during the reign of former Mayor Mike White. And that business was extortion.”
Finally, an uplifting piece of journalism about how hard work and effort pay off! And they even provided a gallery of photographs so I can shown off my acreage and trim frame!
Yours in Christ,