Letters We'd Like to Get

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We get plenty of letters and comments from you, our readers. Sometimes, however, we think about feedback we would have liked to receive from people who didn't take the time to write us. Here are a few examples.

Dear Scene:
Your recent article about Terry Egger retiring as publisher of the Plain Dealer seems to indicate that things here in the newsroom have hit a bump in the road. Who knows what detours lie in our future—there certainly won’t be signs pointing the way—but roadblocks aren’t up yet. To assume the paper’s demise is around the corner is speeding dangerously toward a dead end. Pump your brakes. Turn on those high beams. And clean off the windshield. There are no potholes as far as I can see, and if anybody would know if something bad was going to happen at this paper, it’d be me, the newsroom traffic cop.

John Horton
Road Rant Columnist

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Dear Scene:
I noticed that the Grog Shop is celebrating its 20th anniversary. I pissed on the wall there once. Jolly good time. I also pissed on your paper.

Liam Gallagher
Manchester, England

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Dear Scene:
Contrary to reports that my office is suppressing voter registration, we’ve actually boiled the process down to a few easy steps. First, fill in the necessary information on the registration form, including current address, employer, place of birth, moon cycle, longitudinal coordinates and the sexual position of your conception. We will also need both the short and long versions of your birth certificate (no funny stuff!), as well as a copy of your 7th-grade Iowa test. Each document must be reprinted on 7.17 × 10.12 “toasted almond”-colored paper stock watermarked with the Ohio state seal. Notarize all the documents, and drop the whole package in the mail.*
See? Easy.

John Husted
Ohio Secretary of State
Columbus

*Note: The only postage recognized by the state is U.S. Post Office-issued stamps featuring left-handed American presidents. Only packages mailed on Tuesday and every other Thursday will be considered valid applications.

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Dear Scene:
Have you heard about my wine business? Just checking.

Michael White
Newcomerstown

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Dear Scene:
Hard to figure what all the fuss was about. Weren’t nothin’ but a couple of haircuts and a shave. As for the stud service, if any of you English ever worked on a farm, maybe you’d know what that was about. Next time you need a new addition put on your home, call the Shakers.

Sam Mullet Sr.
Bergholz

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Dear Scene:
I couldn’t help but notice when two dedicated public servants, George Forbes and Tim Hagan, suddenly recalled their offer to build Art Modell a new stadium. I’m delighted the real story is out. Too often you media types assume that us politicians are all lazy and corrupt without knowing what happens behind closed doors. It makes complete sense that George and Tim would wait until Art can’t offer his side of the story. True class, those guys.
For the record, I would like to add that I also offered to build Art Modell a new stadium. Bastard turned me down flat.

James Traficant
Former U.S. Representative
Youngstown

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Dear Scene:
You and your readers may be wondering: What is it about building a bridge that requires abrupt street closings, daily lane changes and roads like minefields? Why is an entrance ramp closed today but not tomorrow? What rationale can there be for shutting down the busiest intersection in the city?
Let us eliminate any doubt: We’re fucking with you. We get bored. Concrete pillar after concrete pillar going up, a slow project slugging its way to completion sometime between 2016 and the day when Josh Mandel can grow facial hair—we need something to break up the seemingly endless monotony. You scan Facebook once an hour at work; we play Rock/Paper/Scissors to see who gets to pick the random Innerbelt exit that will close today. Happy driving.

Jerry Wray
ODOT Director
Columbus

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