Power Rankings

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A weekly roundup of the most important newsmakers in town.

1. Dan Gilbert: The Cavs owner joins other bajillionaires in pledging to donate half his wealth to charity. By proxy, via your casino losses, you'll also be donating half of your wealth to charity, so feel good about that.

2. Mustaches: American Greetings announces a new greeting card line that will have fancy mustaches spewing audio greetings to recipients. Sadly, rat-tails are still waiting for their moment in the sun.

3. Marcia Fudge: The congresswoman seeks the chairmanship of the Congressional Black Caucus. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich will seek chairmanship of a group of stuffed animals at his house.

4. Jim Brown: The former Browns running back manages to thrust himself into the media spotlight by giving a few interviews and making nice with the team. In exchange, the media once again kindly refuses to call Jim Brown a woman-beater.

5. Machine Gun Kelly: Cleveland's favorite rapper is touring Europe. See, kids, your parents are wrong when they say hanging out in the food court at the Strongsville mall will get you nowhere.

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