Analysis: The Cleveland.com Column Calling For More Journey, Less Dawg Pound To Fix The Browns And Our Negative Emotions Holding The City Back

by

This is an actual thing that was written.
  • This is an actual thing that was written.

It's not quite on par with the great peanut butter and jelly debate, but this post on cleveland.com is full of fantastic silliness that makes it a fun hate-read (this time it's a guest column, so maybe they're in it).

"The negativity in Northeast Ohio surrounding the Browns must stop", by a guest columnist from Litchfield, went up today. Its basic premise: people in Northeast Ohio are such miserable pricks because the Browns aren't good, the weather is bad, they hate their relationships and their jobs, and that the only thing that can turn the region around is if the local media starts a full-fledged, non-stop pro-Browns propaganda campaign.

His premise:

Unencumbered by family and work obligations, I can get my fingers on the pulse of our community while having lunch at a local restaurant or grabbing a few happy hour cocktails. Here are my findings:

The negativity in Northeast Ohio must stop. This point was driven home to me last week by a renowned restaurant owner who has just had enough of it. The fans and media, he posits, doom everything good which enters our realm. We curse our new saviors before they even arrive. We are habitual losers who poison the mindset of the next generation’s leaders before they cross into our city’s lines. Therefore, in this restaurant owner’s eyes, the newcomers by proxy follow this trend. We are own worst enemies, and this has been going on for decades.

Fantastically silly idea #1:

My solution: Change the tone of this town IMMEDIATELY. The Cleveland Browns, perhaps led by local media figures such as Mike Polk Jr., Jim Donovan, Tony Zarrella, Tony Rizzo, Chuck Booms, Jeff Phelps and others, should produce a video detailing highlights of the last 20 years of Browns’ history. Put it to the backdrop of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” or some song evoking similar sounds of hope. And play it ad nauseum everywhere we go: On TV, on radio stations, at malls, in waiting rooms at doctors’ offices, etc. Make it the anthem which reverberates as fans (and players) enter the stadium on Sundays. Let people know that negative emotions can no longer control our town. It is the only way to end this cycle of despair and hopelessness which we all feel.

Never trust a man who wants to hear more of the most mindlessly sung stadium anthem ever recorded, especially in everyday life. I'm pretty sure the only way to make "waiting rooms at doctors' offices" less enjoyable would be an endless loop of "Don't Stop Believing" and Browns highlights.

Just imagine having to go through this...

But with this song played over Browns highlights.

The guest columnist thinks it will make Cleveland a much nicer place.

Fantastically silly idea #2:

So, regarding the media in this town — the ones who actually have the power to influence a society — to rise above this mediocrity and become leaders? How about they design a new slogan, a new anthem, a new image for this team in honor of our new head coach, Mike Pettine? If they are simply going to be vessels spewing our anthropologic negativity onto the airwaves, then why do we need them? I have steaming heaps of horse droppings lying in my pasture exuding the same energy.

Glorious Leader Michael Pettine shall be honored by negative Cleveland media. When that happens, here's a video of what the scene in Berea will look like on the very unfortunate day Glorious Leader Michael Pettine passes away after 20 straight Cleveland Browns Super Bowl victories and coach of the year awards:

Fantastically silly idea #3:

Let’s ditch the “Dawg Pound” name we have had for the past 25 years and instead come up with something modern. How about instead of the retro jerseys I keep seeing at the stadium (which is pathetic), the jerseys have the #14 (as in 2014) and the name above the number is “NOW.” Anyone seeing a difference in thinking here? Can you see a change on the horizon? Perhaps 14 wins?!

The week Cleveland Browns fans buy "NOW" jerseys, "NOW" will be traded to the Indianapolis Colts for some draft picks.

To recap the amazing guest column on cleveland.com: A) Cleveland is an awful place to be because of how fans feel about the Browns, and B) the only way to fix that is through a propaganda campaign forcing everybody to watch Browns highlights while listening to Journey.

I'll pass.

(Credit to Craig Lyndall for tweeting the link to the cleveland.com post)

3 comments

Comments (3)

Showing 1-3 of 3

Add a comment
 

Add a comment