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Adventures in Argyle

Belated Thanks to Mom

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Dear Mom,

First of all, "Happy Belated Mother's Day" and it really wasn't necessary. I am coming from a good place and I really wouldn't have minded. Honestly, I would have been totally cool with it. I mean, it's not that I'm all for "abortions" or anything, and I think there were tons of other alternatives. For example, one thing right off the top of my head- safe sex! You know what I'm talking about- birth control, condoms, and today's sponge, it all works. Even the ole' Rhythm Method! Or heck, maybe even not having sex in the back seat of a '74 Chevy Nova. (Just a thought.)

Don't get me wrong, Mom, it's a classic ride, and I can understand how that type of vehicle would make you want to get your 'Freak-on,' Shit, if I were a chick in '70s, the Nova and some James Gang on the radio would've been enough to get my pants off. The only thing I'm saying is, "this might not have been the best place to conceive a child." That's it! But on the other hand, what the hell do I know? I'm a General Studies Major, for God's sake! Who am I to say where or when you can make a child with a man?

I can understand the temptation on your part. I mean, the combination of that fine automobile and my swarthy Italian father's dark chest hair (and possibly the James Gang)... How could you resist? Then again, maybe I would have waited a little more and played "hard to get." Dad was obviously a smooth operator, but maybe you should have been a tad more of a challenge for him. Instead of, say, nailing him in the backseat of that '74 Chevy Nova after your shift at the bar. Or maybe just waiting until your twentieth birthday to get nailed in the backseat of '74 Chevy Nova after your shift at the bar.

Just out of curiosity, how much were abortions anyway? They couldn't have been that expensive. Ok, I just Googled some prices. I found one place where you can have it done for $800. Hell, you can even finance the abortion into monthly installments -- how cool is that? $50 dollars a month in sixteen easy payments! Think about it in '70s figures. It's chump change! Now consider how much I cost growing up (if you haven't already -- I bet you have, come on, you can tell me). You gotta figure I cost twice that amount in G.I. Joe action figures alone. Throw in food, shelter, and general maintenance, you're talking high five figures at least. I would consider this decision a 'no-brainer' but again, what the hell do I know? I mean, I would have said something at the time, but what could I do? I mean, I was just a slimy ball of cells in your uterus.

Seriously though Mom, I would've been totally cool with not being born at all. Don't get me wrong, life's been okay, and I've had some good times (Christmas, birthdays, Cedar Point... Christmas, birthdays, Cedar Point), but was this whole experiment in motherhood really worth it, in retrospect? I mean, 1st through 3rd grade for me was hell! The beginning of high school was no picnic either; you try not hitting puberty until your senior year -- never a good time. But more importantly, not having good ole' biological dad around growing up was kind of a pain in the ass if you know what I mean? Sure, you had that guy who called himself my 'stepda,' but he was really just some asshole who looked like a knock-off version of Michael Stanley and was banging you. He wasn't, you know, Dad. I'm just trying to 'keep it real' here, 'moms.'

Then again, what about you? Nine months of pregnancy, childbirth, struggling to raise me on a paltry income? See where I'm going with this? Not married, no kids of my own, and living alone in a high-rise on Lake Erie. Not much of a catch for all your friends' daughters now am I?

Either way, "Happy Belated Mother's Day"

Love, Chad

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