Critical Fatwa

Certainly, you would think that with two child molestation charges (and the horrible Invisible), the King of Pop would have already earned our scorn. But we respect our critical boundaries and have waited patiently for Jackson to come back to our musical domain. And now that the rubber-faced bugger has announced a benefit song for Hurricane Katrina, we leap in the air and bellow, "Fatwa!"

Hoping to re-create the massive success of "We Are the World" -- the song Jackson co-wrote, which solved all of Africa's problems -- he has penned a new charity tune called "From the Bottom of My Heart." This from a guy accused of playing grab-ass with young boys. Michael, you are hereby forbidden to use the word "bottom" in a song title. It insults the professional pride of joke writers. Even now, Jackson is searching for collaborators for his work. We suggest, of course, R Kelly.

Fatwa! Michael Jackson, we command you to invent a time machine, go back to 1984, and announce your retirement from the public eye. Only then can you be forgiven and shall this fatwa lift. Until then, consider tribute songs for the victims of, say, you.

It is written.