Savage Love

Savage Love

Meow Mix-Up

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Dear Dan:

I have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. He loves me and takes care of me. I'm GGG, and he's vanilla. I only draw the line at poop, animals, and children. But he's never asked me for anything other than vanilla sex. Which is why I don't know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. I don't know if he saw me. I went right back upstairs and went to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don't know what to do. Confront him? Get him help? Get rid of the cat?

Can't Analyze This

Pets want to be petted, and some pets are pushy about it. Bearing that in mind, CAT, I want you to pick the two likeliest scenarios out of these four options:

A. Your boyfriend is attracted to your cat.

B. Your awesome boyfriend — unlike so many other boyfriends — is capable of doing two things at once.

C. Your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking the Almond Roca out of your cat's ass.

D. Your awesome boyfriend needed to rub one out and he was considerate enough to slip out of bed and go downstairs — so as not to wake you (he's awesome like that) — and there he was, lying back on the couch, concentrating on the task at hand, when the cat jumped up on his chest.

I think B and D are the likeliest scenarios. But you were there, I wasn't. So did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating about the cat, with the cat, or at the cat? Or did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating in the immediate vicinity of the cat? These are questions that only you can answer.

Dear Dan:

I'm a 25-year-old straight male who's into big-dick porn. I'm not into the dicks per se. It's the domination and dirty-talk aspects of big-dick porn that turn me on — i.e., hearing a woman say things like "That's huge!" "Stop!" "You're too big for me!" I'm not too bad off down there, but I want more. Significantly more. Do you have any recommendations on enlargement techniques? Pumps, pills, whatever? I have a partner who is sub and very GGG. I would really like to be able to play these fantasies out, but I know nothing of the feasibility.

An Enlarging Problem

There's nothing you can do to make your dick bigger. Pills only waste your money; pumps only bruise your dick. (Yes, a pump can make your dick look a little bigger, temporarily, but your bigger dick will also be a whole lot softer, and what's the use of that?) Your only options for safely exploring your big-dick fantasies are strap-ons and "cock extenders" — i.e., hollow dildos that a guy can wear on his dick.

Dear Dan:

I agree with almost everything you say, but I have one complaint: You have made several comments over the years bashing meth users! I know, I know — meth has a bad reputation. But people used to say that smoking pot caused insanity! Don't believe the hype! Being a meth addict is not good, but occasional use never hurt anyone. I only do it maybe five times a year, and I'm not crazy, I don't have holes in my skin, and I'm not a junkie. I'm a straight-A female student from a wealthy suburban family. You know when I really like to get some meth? Around finals, so that I have lots of extra time to study. Stop bashing meth, Dan!

Occasional Meth User

Your pot analogy is a big fail, OMU: Different drugs have different risks, to say nothing of different chemical compositions and psychotropic effects. That anti-drug crusaders overstated the dangers of marijuana to advance their agendas does not prove that meth is safe. Meth, unlike pot, is highly addictive. While there's no such thing as a fatal dose of pot, there is such a thing as a fatal dose of meth.

But hey, why should you take my word about meth, college girl? What do I know about meth? It's not like I've ever used meth, right?

"Most meth addicts started out feeling like meth was the perfect fix to a 'problem' like needing extra time to study," says gay porn star Trenton Ducati. "I started out using meth 'occasionally' too. Pretty much all meth users start out that way. And it's not novel to think your life is in control, and that you've got it all together — everybody who gets addicted to meth thinks that.

"Meth wound up taking me places that I'm sure OMU doesn't want to go. There is just no way to use meth safely."

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