Breaking News: The Jerry Springer Show is fake!

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To the three Northeast Ohioans who are convinced that the knock-down dragouts on the Jerry Springer Show are authentic, tuck this upcoming segment into your “what-was-I-thinking?” file. On Monday, two well-worn drag queens from Cleveland flew to the show’s Chicago studios to bitch-slap each other in an episode that will air in about three weeks. The feud between the sixty-something “Uncle Vinny” and thirty-something “Robin Banks” stemmed from an ongoing love triangle with a – gasp! – straight dude. Knowing they could get the show to pay air fare and an overnight stay at a swanky Windy City hotel, this dynamic duo put their story on videotape and sent it in. The producers salivated over it and invited them to air their queer quarrel in public. The best part is that they also promised that the show’s resident “minister,” the drunk and dissheveled Rev. Schnorr, would marry the “winner” and her paramour on stage. But there’s a glitch in this girls-gone-wild scenario. Vinny – who, sources say, is a “wrinkled-up, 100-year-old grandma” – and Banks are actually best of friends. And because they like to steal the spotlight whenever they can, they asked a gay pal to play the straight-man part. Sadly, due to a confidentiality clause in their contracts, nobody’s saying who tied the knot in the end. “No one in their right mind anywhere in this country is going to believe this bullshit,” says an intimate of both Vinny and Banks. “It’s just proof positive that nothing on Jerry Springer is for real.” -- Cris Glaser

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