Letters We'd Like to Get

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Sometimes we get letters, and that's nice. Here are some we didn't get but would have liked to find in our mailbox.

Dear Scene:

Heard you've got a fancy new building in town, something to do with contemporary art. I saw the plans and let me say, that is one weird-looking building.

Frank Gehry

Los Angeles

***

Dear Scene:

Yes, we're selling one of our Monets. What's the big deal? They all look the same, right? Besides, if we get some cash on hand, we can pick up a few of those crazy Magic Eye pictures.

David Franklin

Cleveland Museum of Art

***

Dear Scene:

How can you respect and care about a front office that's strung together four losing seasons and alienated a once-fervent fan base? Don't ask me, I'm just another unemployed guy looking for a job. I told John Henry I believed in all that Bill James crap, and where did it get me? Turns out I should have been watching the beer cooler instead.

Terry Francona

Third base

***

Dear Scene:

Now wait, why was I coming to Cleveland again? Oh right, the Indians. Still don't know anything about 'em. But you should hire me anyway. I killed in Boston.

Bobby Valentine

Left field

***

Dear Scene:

As you may already know, I'll be making my way back to your delightful town next year to film the Captain America sequel. I thoroughly enjoyed my time there while filming The Avengers. For those of you that don't know me, I just want to remind you that I'm not Matthew Fox. He's the guy who punched that woman in the vagina when he was in Cleveland. That's not me. I punched no one in their vagina.

Just to be clear: not a vagina-puncher.

Chris Evans

Los Angeles

***

Dear Scene:

Uh, remember us?

Occupy Cleveland

Public Square

***

Dear Scene:

Yeah, I remember them — they peed all over me.

Moses Cleaveland

Public Square

***

Dear Scene:

Just taking a minute in between packing up the office and giving away evidence to ask if you guys know who does Tim Misny's commercials.

Bill Mason

Brickler & Eckler

***

Dear Scene:

To the fat fuck who hung out at the Water Street Tavern in Kent pretending to be me: You better watch your back when I come to Cleveland to play the State Theatre this month. I will hunt you down and kick your ass. And if you don't believe it, just ask that whack job Gary Busey.

Meat Loaf

By the dashboard light

***

Dear Scene:

I love Ohio. I love the way you're round on both ends and "hi" in the middle. I love your $50,000-a-plate Kirtland Hills fundraisers. And your $1 million in campaign cash. Ohio, your 18 electoral votes just feel so right.

Mitt Romney

On the campaign trail

***

Dear Scene:

Let me be clear, Ohio: I love you. I've loved you since the day in November '08 when you flipped into my column with that sweet, sweet 4.6% margin. And let's not forget how much you enjoyed my stimulus package. Make no mistake, Ohio: Of all the swing states, you're the swingingest.

Barack Obama

The White House

***

Dear Scene:

He don't love you like I love you. If he did, he wouldn't give your tax dollars to the 47% of lazy Americans who think they're entitled to food.

Mitt Romney

On the yacht

***

Dear Scene:

Look: You're just flyover country to my opponent. He hardly notices you as he's soaring overhead in his private jet to his Utah ski lodge, his New Hampshire villas and his houses in Boston. He will woo and flatter you. But once he's had your votes, mark my words: He won't return your calls.

Barry

Loving you forever

***

Dear Scene:

Have I told you lately how pretty you are? Have you seen my running mate? He can run a 2-hour-50 marathon. And my horse can dance.

You like big families, right?

Mittens

Sealed with a kiss

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