We get letters, and you're all so nice for sending them. But here are some we didn't receive that would have really made our day.
I had such a lovely visit in your city this week. Clevelanders are among the most patriotic, dedicated, and hardest-working Americans I’ve had the good fortune to encounter on the campaign trail...and some of the fattest. I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s as if the entire city never heard of trans fat. Corned beef is not a suitable breakfast option. Just ask Chris Christie.
The White House
We had a rough week, and we’ll be the first to admit it. Thankfully, news that a teen broke into our maintenance facility, stole a bus, and took it on a joyride was overshadowed by some other news. Unfortunately, that other news was a viral video of one of our drivers gently and accidentally brushing up against one horrendously unruly passenger. Words like “punch” and “uppercut” and “assault” were used to describe the incident, but those seem pretty extreme. Also, they distract the city from all the good that RTA does on a daily basis, and all the punches that aren’t thrown. Remember when we were named the best public transportation service in all of North America by the American Public Transportation Association? Okay, that was in 2007, but we’re still ready to fill you in on all the details. We’re waiting by the phone. Unless you’re calling about that video.
Regional Transit Authority
No need to fret about the fate of the Cleveland Public Schools. We at Walmart have a solution: Let us manage them. Some data points to consider: One, we can dismantle a union like nobody else; two, we have a proven track record of offering minorities exciting and rewarding careers below the poverty line; and three, while school uniforms are nice, our research shows that nothing keeps employees students in line like a blue smock. One last idea: a greeter in every school lobby!
President and CEO
What a pain trying to put together the set list for my Obama benefit show in Parma! I thought “Born to Run” would be good, but it might imply he’s afraid of adversity. Don’t want that. “Born in the U.S.A.” is another possibility, but was he really born in the U.S.A.? I think he gives us a “Reason to Believe,” but I don’t think the image of “a man standin’ over a dead dog lyin’ by the highway in a ditch” would go over so well. (Unless, of course, the “man” is Mitt Romney and the “dead dog” flew off the top of his car). I’d like to think Obama can “prove it all night,” but that certainly wasn’t the case in the first debate. Of course, the natural pick is “No Surrender,” but that didn’t work so well as the campaign song for the Kerry/Edwards ticket in 2004. Shit, maybe I just oughta make like Will.i.am, and play the Sesame Street song.
Imagine, me and The Boss on the same stage in Parma. The name kinda reminds me of Parmesan cheese…hot, greasy jalapeño cheeseburgers and soft tacos with melted cheese. Chili con queso with three kinds of cheese and three kinds of peppers. There’s a place in Little Rock, Juanita’s, that makes a chicken enchilada with Smooth Melt Cheese, which is like Velveeta, only better. It’s to die for. I almost did.
Hold on, now. I’m not allowed to eat that stuff anymore. I Googled “vegan restaurants Parma,” and got three: Jack Frost Donut Shop, Royal Donut, and Donut Connection. Y’all know how to live!
New York, NY
We are fucking pumped about hiring your former schools CEO Barbara Byrd-Bennett! When I was interviewing Babs, she went on and on about how she completely turned your school system around, taking shit and spinning it into educational gold. You guys are lucky she was there to fix that goddamned mess. I didn’t even bother to check her track record or references. Why would I do a dumb thing like that? Sometimes you just click with these assholes.
So Elyria made the front page of the Sunday Times. Big deal. If America really wants to take a hard look in the mirror, it should be reading about Lorain. Elyria has poor people? Lorain has more poor people. Elyria has characters? We have some of the dumbest criminals you’ll ever lay sights on. Elyria has a diner? We have a shittier diner. You want a slice of the real crap America has to offer? You’re looking in the wrong place, New York. Come on down to Lorain. We’ll leave a broken street light out for ya.
29 miles west