by Sam Allard
And if an AL Central Division rivalry isn't enough to entice you to the ballpark, post-game festivities will include a Walt Disney-themed firework display. Did you hear that? A Walt Disney-themed fireworks display! To prelude said fireworks, we've done our best to imagine the current roster as beloved Disney princes.
These selections were based primarily on physical appearances, but a few connections were much more deeply existential. We can't say you'll agree with our decisions, but we can say that our decisions are perfect.
Finally, if Tom Hamilton references this list on this evening's broadcast, Scene will write a song, a la Disney, about anything Tom Hamilton desires.)
Here's your lineup:
1. Michael Bourn = Aladdin (Aladdin)
Bourn is typically "one jump" ahead of opposing catchers.
2. Jason Kipnis = Prince Eric (The Little Mermaid)
They're both sort of hunky and brotastic.
3. Asdrubal Cabrera = Li Shang (Mulan)
Agile. Muscular. Injury-prone.
4. Nick Swisher = Flynn Rider (Tangled)
Based almost entirely on their respective proclivities for winking.
5. Carlos Santana = Prince Charming (Cinderella)
Charming looks like he might have a little Hispanic in him, no?
6. Mark Reynolds = Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
What can we say?
7. Michael Brantley = Naveen (The Princess and the Frog)
Resemblance here is almost too striking and obvious to mention. They are duplicates.
8. Drew Stubbs = "The Prince" (Snow White)
Not much of a connection here, after we learned that Snow White's Prince is much more consistent against right-handed pitching.
9. Yan Gomes = Prince Phillip (Sleeping Beauty)
Philip's sword and shield is a close equivalent to Gomes' gladiatorial catcher get-up.
10. Jason Giambi = John Smith (Pocahontas)
Please look at John Smith's eyes.
THROWBACK BONUS: Shelly Duncan = Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)