If you watched the Browns play the Broncos on Sunday, and you managed to not turn the channel to Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami out of sheer boredom, then you were undoubtedly subjected to some bad numbers concerning the Orange and Brown. The statements followed a general pattern: The Browns haven't (x) since (y), where (x) = something good and (y) = a significant amount of time.
Farcical and Depressing were going neck and neck as words best used to describe those numbers. As the hapless and futile game took its place in what is assuredly going to be a hapless and futile season, the Browns entered a rarified domain of statistics. We are officially at the point where you can toss around outlandish statements like "The Browns haven't had a run of 50 yards or more since Leroy Hoard" or "The Browns haven't scored two touchdowns in a single quarter since 1998" and reasonably educated football fans will look at you and go, "Huh, sounds about right." The droughts are so legendary, the team so mired in ineptitude, that the craziest of assertions are not only indistinguishable from reality, they're more plausible.
With school beginning I thought it appropriate to test your knowledge of this group of schmucks. Take the quiz, unofficially titled "The Cleveland Browns Since 1999 (Or: Let Me Borrow That Cleat So I Can Stick It In My Eye)," below.
1) The Browns haven't scored a rushing touchdown since...
a) December 9, 2007 vs. the Jets.
b) October 13, 2008 vs the Giants.
c) November 17, 2008 vs the Bills.
d) December 15, 2008 vs. the Eagles.
2) Jamal Lewis hasn't rushed for 100 yards or more in a game since...
a) He ran for 853 yards (estimated) in one game against the Browns while he was a Raven.
b) Sometime in 2006.
c) He always runs for over 100 yards if you count all the stutter steps.
d) December 30, 2007 vs. the 49ers.
3) The Browns haven't gone back-to-back games without a turnover since...
a) Ty Detmer was the quarterback.
b) October 19, 2008 vs. the Redskins; October 26, 2008 vs. the Jaguars.
c) Weeks 14 and 15 of the 2007 season.
d) November 30, 2008 vs. the Colts; December 7, 2008 vs. the Titans
4) The Browns record since returning in 1999 is...
5) The Browns have used 13 different quarterbacks (not counting receivers, running backs, or special teams players) since 1999, can you name them?
6) The Browns cracked 400 yards of total offense against the Giants in the Monday Night game in 2008, the only time they did so all season. When was the last time before that?
a) December 23, 2007 vs. the Bengals.
b) November 4,. 2007 vs. the Seahawks.
c) December 3, 2006 vs. the Bengals.
d) November 6, 2005 vs. the Titans.
e) During the Otta Graham era.
7) Only twice since 1999 has a Cleveland Browns player tallied double-digit sacks. Name the players and the number of sacks.
8) Since 1999 four players have had 8 sacks in a season, tied for third highest in the last ten years. They include...
a) Keith McKenzie.
b) Mark Word.
c) Kenard Lang.
d) Ebenezer Ekuban.
e) All of the above, since you wouldn't have gotten them all.
9) Randy Lerner hasn't appeared on camera to directly address the fans since...
a) Firing Romeo Crennel.
b) Hiring Eric Mangini.
c) His 13th birthday party when his parents filmed him opening his presents.
d) An unaired episode of Candid Camera.
10) The Browns haven't ranked in the top 15 defensively for Points Allowed or Yards Allowed since...
11) The Browns haven't scored a touchdown in the first quarter of a game since...
a) November 6, 2008 vs. the Broncos,.
b) September 28, 2008 vs. the Bengals.
c) December 9, 2007 vs. the Jets.
d) September 16, 2007 vs. the Bengals.
12) Watching the Browns this season is like...
a) Having to spend an hour with Bret Michaels.
b) Having to watch an episode of Bus of Love.
c) Your girlfriend telling you she's leaving you to be on Bus of Love II.
d) Your girlfriend telling you that when she was "vacationing with her family" last month she was really appearing on Bus of Love and that you should probably head to the doctor for a few tests and a good broad spectrum antibiotic.
Answer Key: 1) c; 2) d; 3) b; 4) c; 5) Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Ken Dorsey, Brady Quinn, Bruce Gradkowski; 6) b; 7) Kamerion Wimbley - 11 (2006), Jamir Miller - 13 (2001); 8) e; 9) Who the fuck knows. I'm pretty sure he doesn't exist. 10) b (and they haven't ranked in the top ten of both categories since 1994). 11) a; 12) d.