And Now a Word From the Washington Generals

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The fake pitch, from McSweeney's:

King James,

This off-season you have the unique opportunity to decide your NBA future. It's a decision not to be taken lightly. While other franchises have surfaced in the rumor mil— New York, Chicago, Miami, along with heading back to Cleveland—we think you'd be doing yourself a disservice without considering another alternative. Namely us, the Washington Generals.

Let's consider the other contenders for a moment. We can take Cleveland off the list right away because, let's face it, it's not going to happen. And no matter what you accomplish with the Bulls, you're always going to be playing under Jordan's long tongue-wagging shadow; good luck getting them to un-retire 23. As far as the Heat are concerned, Dwayne Wade's already led them to the promised land. Even if you win a championship with them, he'll always be the Moses to your whatever-prophet-followed-Moses; there's a reason none of us know his name. But us? In our franchise history, we only have a single game with a 'W' next to it.

Help us get our second.

What can the Generals offer? Plenty. Here's just a sampling.

• Front-row tickets to every Generals game for your entourage (up to 20 a night), along with a pre-game buffet with all-they-can-eat hot dogs, popcorn and sodas and a post-game party featuring a clown that will make any balloon animal upon request.

• Use of the T-shirt cannon on non-game days.

• A free jersey in your choice of size.

• Lucrative, commission-based endorsement deal with Jim's Muffler Shop, the official Muffler Shop of the Washington Generals.

(Hat tip to @jeskeets)

Follow me on Twitter: @vincethepolack.

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