- Associated Press
- Declaring himself the only "true woman in the race," Kucinich delivers an impassioned speech about how he's embarrassed by his thighs.
Having solved all the problems of the nation's poorest city, Dennis Kucinich announced that he's again running for president, promising to bring to America the bounty he's brought to Cleveland.
The congressman was apparently spurred by his strong showing in 2004, when he won support from the bassist for Jefferson Starship and a senile woman who thought she was voting for her deceased husband. Though he spent $2.9 million in federal matching funds to land just two votes, strategists believe he could double that figure if they lock him in a closet and don't let him talk.
A look at what your $2.9 mil will buy this time around:
Manhattan -- Calling himself a "gangbanger for peace," Kucinich appears in blackface before a crowd at the 10th Annual Rainbow Coalition Conference, declaring that he's the "only real black candidate" in the race.
He then attempts to lead the crowd in a rap version of the "Macarena," but organizers, believing a deranged midget has wandered onto the stage, give him their spare change and escort him from the premises.
Washington -- Democratic candidates for the 2008 presidential nomination engage in a spirited roundtable discussion before the National Press Club. Kucinich offers a lengthy monologue on how the domestic auto industry can be rebuilt through meditation and yoga, but no one hears him because he's seated at the kids' table.
Waverly, Iowa -- Mistaking him for an exotic animal from a nearby Future Farmers of America exhibit, a group of farmers attempt to milk Kucinich during a campaign stop in this rural county seat. When the congressman proves barren, he's donated to a middle school science class for further study.
Decatur, Illinois -- In a major announcement on the cable-access show Coffee With Caroline, Kucinich details his Department of Peace initiative. Under the plan, thousands of new federal employees would be charged with convincing terrorists to put down their guns and write rhyming poetry, since "killing is kind of like serving red wine with fish."
San Francisco -- In a speech before a florists' group, Kucinich announces that he's the "only real gay candidate" in the race, since he's always had "a lot of opinions on drapes." He then unveils his plan for universal funding of tasteful sconces, calling it "my Marshall Plan, only about decorative wall hangings."
Columbia, South Carolina -- Under the belief that he's addressing an animal-cruelty organization, Kucinich denounces the eating of chicken in speech before the Carolina Gamecocks Booster Club. Members show their displeasure by using the congressman for punting drills, before he's rescued by a janitor who brings Kucinich home for his kids to play with.
Barnstead, New Hampshire -- Tragedy strikes the campaign when a TV crew arrives at a nursing home for a feature story on cholesterol. Desperate for face time, Kucinich tramples three wheelchair-bound women in an attempt to get in front of the camera.
Hollywood -- Hoping to lend some star power to his dying presidential bid, Kucinich presents Jon Lovitz as his running mate. The former comedian is his third choice after being rejected by Mandy Moore and the guy who played Zoltan in Dude, Where's My Car? Lovitz says he's never heard of the congressman, but that he's "happy to get the work," since he doesn't think his Subway contract will be renewed.
Topeka, Kansas -- Having landed a coveted 5 a.m. speaking slot, Kucinich addresses the National Organization of Women's Mid-Kansas Chapter, declaring that he's the only "true woman in the race" because friends always "told me I throw like a girl." He then launches into an impassioned speech about how he's embarrassed by his thighs. A crowd consisting of two waitresses offers its support if Kucinich will quietly leave the Kountry Kitchen, where the meeting is held.
Parma -- In a rare Ohio appearance, Kucinich forgets he's addressing a machinists' local and again delivers his "only true woman" speech. He's subsequently beaten by a business agent named Jerry. Despite a round-the-clock vigil outside the hospital, where thousands pray that Kucinich will soon be St. Peter's problem, the congressman lives. "He never stopped talking, no matter how much anesthesia we pumped into the little bastard," doctors solemnly report.
Lakewood -- Fresh from a lengthy stay at Parma General, the chameleon congressman tries to reestablish his workingman's cred by pounding a nail into a two-by-four before a gathering of carpenters. When Kucinich struggles to operate the hammer, someone's daughter finishes the demonstration. The girl receives a hearty round of applause.
Washington -- Tired of Kucinich's "ankle-biting attacks on the legitimate candidates," Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean takes the congressman to an animal shelter and has him spayed.
Santa Monica -- After being shut out in the first 47 primaries, Kucinich lands his first vote in California. Chuck Martinez, a fruit vendor from Fresno, says he simply felt sorry for the congressman. "No offense to the midget, but you think this guy could ever get a real job?"
Denver -- After Kucinich is evicted from the Democratic convention for stalking camera crews, negotiations end a two-day standoff, during which he protested by weeping uncontrollably. In exchange for readmission, the congressman agrees to be gagged and taped to a chair.