- Cheech Marin is about as believable a police chief as Nick Cannon is a teenager.
Remember Nick Cannon? For a while there, he seemed to be the next big young heartthrob, right after starring in the marching-band movie Drumline and the remake of the '80s comedy Love Don't Cost a Thing. When Dave Chappelle joked that his son was leaving him for Nick Cannon, people got it. But now, almost two years later, Cannon's starring in a new action-comedy opening this week. Do you know anyone who's excited?
Granted, Miramax isn't exactly hyping Underclassman; it's been on the shelf for so long that the soundtrack still features the original, politically incorrect version of the Black Eyed Peas song "Let's Get Retarded" (long since retitled "Let's Get It Started.") But even if the film had been better advertised, it's nothing special, and Cannon's work is unimpressive. Then again, the same could be said for Drumline, yet somehow it appealed to a lot of people.
Cannon plays Tre, a young bicycle cop on the Venice Beach beat, who aspires to be a detective even after a chase sequence ends in rampant destruction -- for which Tre's police report features the line "I was all up on they ass." You might wonder how a youngster with sloppy language and policing skills ended up a cop, but then you see that the chief of police is Cheech Marin. Clearly he was high when he made that hire.
No, wait; the real explanation's even worse. Cheech, whose character here is named Captain Victor Delgado, made a promise to Tre's dead father that he would take the boy under his wing, and in so doing, he seems determined to forgive each and every fuck-up. Also, Tre is a perfect marksman. If you're thinking, "Gee, bet he misses a shot at some point in a way that has major significance to the plot," you're way too smart for this audience.
Delgado's such a pushover that he lets Tre take an undercover assignment, even though the kid has no experience. He goes undercover at a prestigious private high school to solve a murder, and since most of the actors playing students here look to be well into their twenties, Tre fits right in. His goal is to befriend popular jock Rob (Shawn Ashmore, Iceman in the X-Men movies) and get information from him, but that's going to be hard, because Rob is a spoiled rich white boy (i.e., racist), and Tre is, well, from the 'hood (i.e., he's really good at basketball and has souped-up hydraulics on his car).
Some fairly standard shenanigans ensue, with the only point of interest being a rugby game -- it stands out because it's the first time in any recent film that a black guy is shown trying to play a traditionally white sport and is utterly humbled. But not to worry; basketball is the more popular game at the school, though they've never considered having someone black on the team (seems as if they've never even seen a black person). You have to know where this is going. And when the clichéd high school culture-clash stuff stops, there's clichéd cop-movie stuff going on.
What went wrong here? For one thing, Cannon simply doesn't have the chemistry with his co-stars that he needs -- it's as if he's trying to perform a one-man show. Punching up the action wouldn't have hurt either.