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Beasts of the Northern Wild

A field guide to Cleveland's alarming, alluring summer animalia

by and


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Age: 46

Home turf: West Park

Occupation: Cop

You'll Spot Him:

• Spitting Copenhagen into a Mountain Dew can before breakfast;

•Advising the 13-year-old umpire that his definition of a strike zone is "horseshit;"

•Suggesting that his T-baller stop swinging like a "Sally" and hit the ball.

Summer Highlight: The Memorial Day tournaments. Game plan: "Loading up on Miller Lite for Megan's 6 a.m. softball tourney in Lima, but I shouldn't have any trouble getting back for Timmy's first pitch at the Ashtabula invitational. That doesn't start till 8. Then we'll hit the cages till dusk and fire bottle rockets out of our butts. The kids love it when I do that."

Overheard at the Bar: "Ignatius is watching my youngest boy. They're actually watching my girl, too. Did I mention she can hit 87 on the gun? Of course, I once threw a changeup 104 miles per hour. That was in sixth grade. We won the CYO tournament that year. You know, minor-league scouts used to call my folks."


Age: 23

Home Turf: Bingham Apartments

Occupation: Direct from his business card: "Executive Vice President of Social Media and New Business Development — Midwest."

You'll Spot Him:

• Ordering bottle service at Velvet Dog;

• Droning on about numerous "business opportunities" at 20/30 Club networking happy hours, though nobody has ever seen him actually engage in any businesslike activities;

• Telling you from the next urinal over at Barley House how nice a guy Kyrie Irving is and how he's "real close" to getting a project with him off the ground.

Summer Highlight: "Annual father-son round robin 18-holer at Mayfield."

Overheard at the Bar: "Oh that? My dad's name is on it because it's the company credit card, that's all. Don't sweat it."


Age: 31, allegedly

Home Turf: Anatomy

Occupation: Self-employed model/web video actress/dancer/promoter/swimsuit designer/DJ/hip hop artist

You'll Spot Her:

• Cutting to the front of the line at Liquid;

• Spending afternoons at Shooter's bar scribbling possible stage names on cocktail napkins;

• Angrily demanding the vet "fix" the incontinence problem her Maltese has any time he's put in her purse for longer than five minutes.

Summer Highlight: Summerpoolooza at Barley House. "Last year I would have said Roverfest, but this time around it was a little too Medina-y. Lady's gotta keep her class."

Overheard at the Bar: "They're real as fuck, yo. Oh, you meant the jacket? No, it's pleather. Why are you even talking right now?"

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