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Beasts of the Northern Wild

A field guide to Cleveland's alarming, alluring summer animalia

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THE BROWNS FANATIC

Age: 40

Home Turf: Internet message boards

Occupation: Actuary

You'll Spot Him:

• On hold with WKNR about third-string tight ends and the 2013 NFL draft;

• On the sidelines at the Browns training camp waiting to get an autograph on his throwback Bob Golic jersey;

• Loudly declaiming in any bar anywhere that Jimmy Haslam will be the kind of owner who will actually "get shit done."

Summer Highlight: "Summer doesn't start until the first preseason Browns game."

Overheard at the Bar: "Hey barkeep, can you switch off the Indians game? NFL Network has a rundown of the next running back draft class. Who cares about the Tribe anyway?"

WATERING HOLES

SHOOTER'S

What You're Drinking: Vodka with just a splash of Red Bull for you, regular vodka and Red Bull for the lady. Shots. Never water. Never. Water is for pussies and Canadians.

Signature Event: Bikini contests featuring the best 10s the town has to offer.

Expect to See: Bros of all shapes and sizes, many of whom believe it is still 1990.

Ambience: The same nautical theme your never-married, middle-aged uncle has in his basement.

Claim to Fame: It's been a few years since someone fell in the water and died.

Most Likely Celebrity Sighting: Super Pimp or Alan Cox

PANINI'S

What You're Drinking: A light domestic beer, preferably drunk straight from the pitcher.

Signature Event: Last call.

Expect to See: College students; anyone with a backward hat; someone with the under on the Colorado State vs. Utah first half total of 28.

Ambience: A mix of stale frying oil, sweat, and bargain-basement cleaning supplies, inhaled while sitting one inch from the TV screen.

Claim to Fame: Pimping an idea for a sandwich stolen from a Pittsburgh institution as a Cleveland original; ubi-quitous, with two convenient locations at either end of your street.

Most Likely Celebrity Sighting: Troy Smith

FAIRMOUNT MARTINI AND WINE BAR

What You're Drinking: An obscure cocktail whose recipe was last used circa 1932 in a small town in France, which no one has drunk in over 80 years because it wasn't that good to begin with.

Signature Event: Young professional happy hours where the city's brightest minds stand in fashionable herds, blocking anyone who would actually like to get the barkeep's attention.

Expect to See: Someone else who has a fabulous job they can't wait to tell you all about.

Ambience: Knock-off reggae fresh from Muzak, beamed out to the patio.

Claim to Fame: It's not Myxx, and it's not on Coventry.

Most Likely Celebrity Sighting: Zach Reed

WHISKEY ISLAND

What You're Drinking: Whatever tepid alcoholic beverage that guy over there just handed you.

Signature Event: Kamp Krusty, where everyone gets blackout drunk in the name of charity.

Expect to See: Intramural volleyball players who aren't keen on shirts.

Ambience: A close approximation of sand, with the sweet scent of exhaust fumes from the Shoreway wafting overhead.

Claim to Fame: Not really an island.

Most Likely Celebrity Sighting: The Miz

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