by Kyle Swenson
We all know Joe the Plumber — the Toledo-native desperately trying to seduce the 15th and final minute of his Kardashian-grade fame into staying a little while longer by means of political office — thinks deeply before he speaks.
Like late-candlelit-hours-in-the-library deep, conscious-rattling-existential-brainwave-surfing deep. And when you're cooking at such a high level, let's be honest, you're often misunderstood, just part of the big thinker rap. This is a man whose wide landscape of mental activity cannot be corralled by the soundbite or the teleprompter, enchained by “political correctness” or “good taste,” or spooked by the bourgeois conventions like morality or humanity the rest of us smaller beings cling to on the lip of the void.
That's why when Joe — Sam Wurzelbacher by birth — says something like this, we're just all too conventional to tap into his true meaning:
"You know, for years, I've said, you know, 'Put a damn fence on the border going to Mexico and start shooting,'" he said. "I'm running for Congress, and that should be a bad thing to say. You know what, that's how I feel. I'm not going to hide it because I'm running for an office. I want my borders protected. I'm very, very adamant about that."
Yup, he said that.
Now you might be wondering why a candidate for an Ohio congressional seat would declaim on the red-hot issue of immigration. Well, the comments came from a recent fundraiser held for Arizona State Senator Lori Klein, a controversial figure in her home state. Joe also shared the bill with crypto-fascist Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, so picking off illegals from a fence probably ranked among the milder suggestions aired at the event.
But with Wurzelbacher, this is becoming routine. Has a political candidate for serious office ever said more perplexing shit? And every time he inserts foot firmly into mouth, Joe tries to defend himself with a I'm-not-PC-dammit chest bump. But most of what the candidate spews isn't even offensive on that level; it's just . . . dumb, right? But hey, they said same thing about Nietzsche, no? Let's toss out the old categories and start anew, he's saying.
Here's Big Joe on gays:
“Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do—what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we're supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they're people, and they're going to do their thing.”
Here's the maestro on the political leanings of Barack Obama's parents:
"Imagine being the child of a mixed-race marriage - especially in the turbulent 60’s and free-wheeling 70’s," his letter said. "And when you throw in that dad was a Muslim and mom an atheist - you know it could not have been easy - and they were communists for crying out loud!"
Ah, and here he is considering the historical significance of gun control and genocide.
“In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917 one-point-five million Armenians, unable to defend themselves were exterminated. In 1939, Germany established gun control. From 1939 to 1945, six million Jews and seven million others unable to defend themselves were exterminated.”