by Eric Sandy
We'd imagine that'd be the mantra of Ohio pride, were corporations truly to rule the country. And we do have a glimpse of that rather grim future, thanks to The Atlantic.
Ohio, it seems, is most well-known for square patties and fries that are perfect for dippin' in your Frosty. And that's totally fine (they're delicious). But what other options are out there for Ohio's corporate identity? Here's a look at the iconic companies that call the Buckeye State home:
Bob Evans: If Ohio's own Bob Evans (yes, that was the founder's name) doesn't scream breakfast, then you can just get the fuck out of here. Two years ago, Gov. John Kasich whipped out his tax incentive tool belt to keep the company from jumping across state lines. In between mouthfuls of syrup-laden pancakes, we have to admit it was a good idea.
Wilson: Likely known more for its ubiquitous tennis balls, its role in Cast Away, and, tangentially, as the title character of a really great Phish song, the sports manufacturer also boasts the country's only dedicated football factory, right here in Ohio. Note: Geographic proximity does not lend itself to any modicum of talent on the field.
Skyline Chili: Pass the cheese and oyster crackers, and I'll see you on the other side of a beautiful, Ohio-borne food coma. Skyline, however, may be among the most divisive topics in Ohio conversations. Is it delicious? Is it not delicious? It's kinda like how we approach LeBron, except for the part about deliciousness.
Progressive Insurance: There's nothing terribly exciting to say about an insurance company, except for OH MY GOD WE LOVE FLO. And outside of waiting for the next Flo commercial to show up amidst our "Dance Moms" marathon, that's about all we need to say.
Smucker's: With a name like... Yes, you know the line. You also know a top-tier commercial jelly when you
smear it on your butt taste it. Also, while we're at it, here's one of the company's older slogans: "The only brand of jams that can make a piece of bread lively!" Oh, how far the marketing department has come...
American Greetings: Dishing up heartfelt holiday humor straight outta Brooklyn, AG has set the standard for stumbling awkwardly from print to digital media. For that, we and the city of Westlake couldn't be prouder.
Wendy's: We've kind of already covered this one, but here's a clip of a Wendy's employee going to nozzle-to-mouth with the Frosty machine.