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Critical Fatwa

will.i.am nurses from the humps of the great Satan.

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All hail Jurassic 5! They were a breath of fresh air, bringing pleasure and fun back to the type of hip-hop listened to by indie-rock fans. But they did not come alone -- and the group that came with them, Black Eyed Peas, has turned from a fun bit of whimsy into the foulest sort of plastic band. We applaud those who make money with their art, but the Black Eyed Peas are one of the few bands that deserves the term "sellout." They added talentless strumpet Fergie to their band in the hope that the addition of well-displayed mammaries would boost their profile. It worked. Then they created a string of horrid "tunes" culminating in "My Humps," a song about Fergie's tits and ass that is about as sexy as an enema from Grandma. But this was not enough for group member will.i.am, who now appears in the Pussycat Dolls' "Beep," a song about T&A that is as sexy as Grandma offering to finish up with a reach-around. For this striving to kill both art and sex, we issue a most serious fatwa.

We do not mind women of no musical, intellectual, or spiritual worth succeeding due to the flexibility of their fat-free bodies. This is, after all, the music business. But the Pussycat Dolls were destined to be one-hit wonders, and any efforts to extend their career past that is an offense. Tell us, will.i.am, have you no shame? Does your soul not feel pain anymore? Has your integrity been so marauded that it now flops, truncated and perforated, staining the insides of your jockeys?

Fatwa! Some day your halfwit novelty tunes will fade from the public's mind, and you shall be treated as the used-car salesman of the soul that you truly are. "I used to be somebody," you will weep into your pillow at night, but that will be a lie. It is written.

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