(www.fastmattresssucks.com) If Black Sabbath mastermind Tony Iommi put his shoulder-length hair up in a big beehive hairdo, traded his guitar for a keyboard, and swapped Ozzy for the B-52s' Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson, the resulting band would probably sound a lot like Cleveland's Fast Mattress.
And yes, "Iron Man" would still rip. Fast Mattress puts a brief, breezy spin on the metal classic in a disturbing tale of true-life terror called "Daddy Has a Mullet." Organist Tina's whistling, hair-bristling, rock-lobster keyboards fill the slot traditionally reserved for lead guitar. The quintet never strays far from a twilight zone crawling with gross characters: bullish weightlifters, boys with itchy crotches, invading aliens, and jerk-offs. Guitarist Davey and bassist Jay buzz and grind, filling in the background behind Tina's keys and Shelly's shrill vocals. There's not a giant market for this kind of thing, and it's a shame, because Fast Mattress is all the way there. Put 'em on tour with the Cramps, and they may never come back. -- D.X. Ferris