Ho-ho-ho! It's that time of year when the Mouth gags up a slew of seasonal greetings to many of our fine subjects. We had a long shopping list this year, but these teeth grate at long cash register lines. So Mouth's just sending out holiday wishes to our favorite chewables. Remember, comrades, it's the thought that counts.
Without further ado, here's Mouth's Wish List to . . .
. . . County Commissioner Tim Hagan, the new position of Intergalactic Tax Collector on the Starship Voyager.
. . . Congressman Lou Stokes, for his new gig as a CWRU prof, a classroom full of Clarence Thomas wannabes.
. . . Congresswoman-elect Stephanie Tubbs Jones, more fire-engine red suits so we can't miss her on C-SPAN.
. . . Clevo TV News Directors, more "news" stories about deer, dogs, and diets, which should drive away any remaining viewers with the ability to think for themselves.
. . . New Rock Hall Chief Executive Terry Stewart, a nice quiet place where board member Jann Wenner can't find him.
. . . Gateway, since getting rent from the Gunds is out of the question, somebody/anybody to buy Gateway's E. 9th patch of land, so they can pay a few bills.
. . . Clevo Mayor Mike White, 21 clones to sit obediently on City Council.
. . . Businessman Arnold Pinkney, a Brinks truck to cart off all the new school contracts Hizzoner will award him.
. . . Contractor Nate Gray, to cement his position as Hizzoner's "Parking Czar," his own concrete plant next to Hopkins Airport.
. . . Businessman Sam Miller, more "public/private partnerships" in Frisco, which should keep him feeding off some other state's taxpayers for a while.
. . . Mayoral assistant LaVonne Sheffield McClain, a helicopter to expedite trips between her various jobs at City Hall and Hopkins Airport.
. . . Stadium Project Developer Diane Downing, a portable cassette that keeps repeating, "Diane Downing refused comment."
. . . The Plain Feeler, a daily front-page tally of how many times City Hall staffers "didn't return calls" or "refused comment."
. . . Councilwoman Fannie Lewis, her own radio talk show, co-hosted by George Forbes.
. . . Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic, a campaign fund-raising poster featuring the Mayor Don taming a snake and a pack of rats.
. . . Summit County Executive Tim Davis, to ease Travelin' Tim's frequent German junkets, a condo on the Rhine and an account at the Bundesbank.
. . . Governor-elect Bob Taft, a tool kit big enough to dismantle E-Check.
. . . Ohio Attorney General Betty Montgomery, a part-time, equal opportunity job putting pasties on the nipples of male strippers.
. . . Governor George Voinovich, for the sake of his legal "rainy day fund," lots of pennies just waiting to be picked out of Capitol Hill urinals.
. . . Browns owner Al Lerner, a big tax write-off, thanks to a mystifying Y2K bug that deletes all MBNA credit card bills.
. . . NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, a league overloaded with criminals, bland "West Coast Offenses," injury-prone 39-year-old quarterbacks, and linemen who are too fat to get out in front of a running back. (Oops, somebody already gave him all that.)
. . . Browns President Carmen Policy, for the Loophole Lawyer, a dynamite new law partnership with fellow loopholers Johnnie Cochrane, Barry Scheck, Alan Dershowitz, and David Kendall.
. . . Don King, a hair-raising weekly column in his new purchase, The Call & Post.
. . . Buyers of Tribe stock, a NASDAQ ticker on the Jake scoreboard, and personal seat calculators for computing their monetary losses.
. . . New Indians second baseman Roberto Alomar, one of those dental hoses that suck all the spit out of your mouth.
The Mouth smacked its lips over this recent e-mail from the Save Berea group: "We've contacted the TV media and so far have been ignored. We need your help!" Hey, here's a helpful tip. Just say you're calling from our top shadow government, Cleveland Tomorrow. Those news directors will snap to, pronto.
So what's the rumpus in Berea? Seems the city council's been ignoring the citizenry's wishes. (Shocking!) They booked a date with the wrecking ball for the historic, taxpayer-owned Berea Theater, even though residents petitioned against the razing. They had mucho trees removed from the Berea Triangle. And they hope to kill a few local stores to make way for a snazzy new CVS drugstore.
Yo, Berea! Don't ya wanna become a nice cookie-cutter community like Strongsville? Seems many Bereans don't, and they have a website. Interested comrades can monitor all government-mandated "progress" at www.angelfire.com/oh/saveberea/.
Yeow, score a victory for the long-shit-upon sports fan! True, it's tough not to get shit on when you're obediently licking some sports tycoon's asshole. But hey, the fans have been hoodwinked by the team owners' lackeys in the media, and Mouth says they deserve their day in court. And the Ohio Supreme Court agrees.
The Ohio Supremes cleared the way for 1995 Browns season ticket holders to sue the team for breach of contract. A team of heavyweight lawyers from Jones Day, the NFL Monopoly, and the NHL couldn't pull this one out for Art Modell. Ipso facto, the fans' case is going back to Common Pleas Judge Ken Callahan, who shot it down in '97.
Yep, the Raven Lunatic could end up shelling out big bucks to the fans! Art's statements to various media that he wouldn't move the Browns as long as he owned them have come back to haunt him in court. Hmm, maybe these fans can sue the media moguls for being "willing conspirators.