00:38 -- Silly library. You think book theft is your biggest problem? Just wait until Carl Monday exposes . . . The Library Masturbator!
00:48 -- Cue official documents. Pornography. Sex. Used condoms. See, this isn't just some schmuck from Berea jacking it in the library. It's an Epidemic of Self-Pleasure!
1:41 -- Behold, the Library Masturbator! He likes OSU, wears a Carl Monday mustache, and doesn't know when to get out of the rain . . . or away from Carl Monday!
1:44 -- Monday: What do you look up on the internet?
Library Masturbator: Nothing, really. Sports scores, stuff like that.
Monday: Sports, pornography, stuff like that?
LM: No, why?
Monday: You tell me why.
Mike Wallace, eat your heart out!
2:03 -- WKYC decries porn by . . . showing porn?!? Let's hope that poor, innocent whelp isn't watching.
2:32 -- Carl Monday gives a knowing smirk to the camera. It's a look that says: I've got the Library Masturbator right where I want him.
2:38 -- Carl Monday speaks the phrase that keeps evildoers everywhere awake at night: What if I told you we have video of you performing a sex act?
2:46 -- Hidden camera shot of the Library Masturbator in action. Leave me alone, Ma, I'm just going to the bathroom!
2:56 -- Notice that Carl Monday is unable to say the word masturbation. You just reached out and started having sex? Um, no Carl, that would have required a woman, WHICH I OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE!
5:01 -- Surprise! Spankhappy McWilly lives with his parents. Know what that means girls? He's a-vail-a-ble!
5:05 -- Carl Monday confronts the Library Masturbator's father, who grabs for the microphone with the same passion his son exhibited a few frames earlier.
5:33 -- Power windows, don't fail me now! Notice how Monday holds his broken -- dare we say limp? -- microphone as the Library Masturbator's dad threatens to kill him.
6:01 -- Ramona Robinson suggests that we need better security to prevent library masturbation. Because Al Qaeda isn't spanking it in Nonfiction.
6:30 -- Libraries: They're not for masturbating .
To draw your own conclusions, go to http://www.wkyc.com/video/player.aspx?aid=23446&sid=52623&bw=hi&cat=2