- Tesla frontman Jeff Keith (center) would make a kickass addition to George W.'s cabinet.
The Oval Office has never been so square. This much we know, after the contents of George W. Bush's iPod were revealed a few weeks back. You can't sow fear into the hearts of ruthless dictators rockin' the Knack. Nor can you hope to solve the budget crisis when you can't even figure out that Kenny Loggins sucks. Clearly, the dude in charge of Dubya's tunes has done a shit job. This situation must be remedied.
Being the patriots that we are, we thought we'd help out the commander-in-chief by recommending some badass tunes to jam while running the world. Here's a few additions we'd make to the President's playlist:
Tesla, "Modern Day Cowboy" -- There has got to be a place for Tesla frontman Jeff Keith in Dubya's cabinet, maybe as Secretary of Denim or Minister of Kickin' Ass. Way back in 1986, he articulated the Bush II foreign policy agenda while George W. was still gettin' his Coors Light on. "Foreign lands with their terrorist demands/Only cause the good to hurt," he sings on "Modern Day Cowboy." "Bang bang/Shoot 'em up/Bang bang/Blow you away." Can't you just see Donald Rumsfeld flickin' his Bic while G.W. lays down some air guitar, as this bad boy blares on Air Force One?
Queens of the Stone Age, "The Sky Is Fallin'" -- In order to build momentum for his new Social Security plan, Bush has to convince the American public that if they don't back his initiatives, they'll be forced to retire in a discarded Maytag box behind the nearest Marc's. This downcast rocker reaffirms Bush's bleak outlook -- "Close your eyes and see the skies are falling" -- as he waits for the heavens to plummet like his approval rating.
Ghostface Killah, "Nutmeg" -- Like a cross between Pootie Tang and Foghorn Leghorn, George W. has a penchant for speaking in his own self-invented language. Having come up with such new terms as "misunderestimated" and "Hispanically" in the past, he can no doubt relate to excitable Wu Tang rapper Ghostface Killah, who has a similar knack for ducking the rules of grammar as if he owed them money. "Tidy Bowl/Gung-ho pro/Starsky with the gumsole/Hit the rump slow/ Parole kids/Live Rapunzel," Ghostface rhymes on the lead track to his classic Supreme Clientele LP. Granted, none of it really makes any sense. Kind of like Dubya referring to Africa as a country.
Ludacris, "Move Bitch" -- To all those playa-hatin' Democrats, environmentalists, and women's-rights advocates standing in the way of Bush's judicial nominees: Get the fuck back/Guard ya grill/There's something wrong/G. Dub can't stay still/He's been drankin' and bustin' too/And he been thinkin' about bustin' you/Upside ya motherfuckin' forehead/And if your friends jump in -- Oooooh girl -- they'll be mo' dead.
Mötley Crüe, "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)" -- Though Bush Part Deux can certainly relate to the fierce religious rhetoric and shady financial dealings of fellow Texas firebrand Tom DeLay, he's starting to realize that the dude is like Girl, Interrupted crazy. By challenging the judiciary and lining the pockets of his family members, DeLay is steadily becoming a liability for the Republicans. G.W. has to get him out of the spotlight if he wants to advance his second-term agenda, but he'll want to do so in a nonconfrontational way. And what better band to turn to for advice on mending wounded relationships than Mötley Crüe, a group just as fractious as the Republicans have become these days? DeLay is Tommy Lee to Dubya's Vince Neil -- a loose cannon with a quick temper, who continually runs afoul of the law and insists on getting bad haircuts. But if the Crüe can get on with their lives, Bush and DeLay should take a page from the band and do the same. "Tom, don't go away mad," we can hear the President saying, his arm around his old buddy, tears wetting his cheeks. "Just go away." Then he does a few leg kicks, twirls a mic stand, and everyone goes home happy.