Savage Love

Savage Love: Risky Business



Dear Dan

About a year ago, I was pretending to read my boyfriend's mind and jokingly said, "You want to put it in my ear." Since then, I have seen references to ear sex (aural sex?) everywhere! There's even a holiday ("Take It In the Ear Day" on Dec. 8), and I was reading a book just now in which the author mentions how much she hates getting come in her ear. So while I am honestly not trying to yuck someone's yum, I do have two questions. First, is this really a thing? And second, how does it work?

— An Understanding Requested About Listeners

Ear sex is a thing. But we need to distinguish between auralism, AURAL, and an ear fetish. People into auralism are sexually aroused by sounds — it could be a voice or music or sex noises. An ear fetish, on the other hand, is a kind of partialism, i.e., a sexual interest in one part of the body (often parts not typically found in pants). A foot fetish is a partialism, for example, as is an ear fetish.

Most ear fetish stuff — including the thousands of ear fetish videos on YouTube — is about tugging, rubbing, or licking someone's ear and not about fucking someone in the ear or coming in someone's ear canal. Dicks don't fit in ear canals, and blasting semen into someone's ear could cause a nasty ear infection. So both are risky practices best avoided — but, hey, if PIE (penis in ear) sex is actually a thing, I invite any hardcore ear kinksters out there reading this to write in and explain exactly how that works.

Dear Dan,

I've never admitted this to anyone: The idea of committing suicide turns me on sexually. I recognize how crazy that is, and I want to emphasize that I'm not suicidal. I love living, and despite this sexual impulse, I don't want to kill myself. I'm turned on by the fantasy of hanging myself, but that's not really how I want my life to end. (To be clear: Autoerotic asphyxiation gets a lot of press, but that's not the situation here. Asphyxiation itself isn't my kink, and other methods of committing suicide also turn me on.) My question is this: Given that I don't want these fantasy scenarios to ever become reality, should I indulge the fantasy through healthy, safe play with a responsible partner or should I try to repress it and shut it down? If I indulge the fantasies, I might reach a point where the safety precautions interfere with the thrill. On the other hand, I know that trying to repress sexual desires is a hopeless endeavor and trying to keep these fantasies in check might result in a scenario where they boil over and I end up engaging in riskier behavior than I would have otherwise.

— Horny And Nervous Guy's Endangering Deeds

You're not actually suicidal, right? I know you already said you weren't, HANGED, but I want to double-check. Because fantasizing about killing yourself — for whatever reason —technically counts as suicidal ideation. If you or anyone else reading this is contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone you trust. Ask for help. (Some resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255; the Trevor Project, 1-866-488-7386; Trans Lifeline, 877-565-8860.)

Okay, HANGED, I'm going to take you at your word: You love being alive and don't actually want to kill yourself. But while I agree that repressing sexual desires is a hopeless endeavor, HANGED, "can't be repressed" isn't the only factor we have to take into consideration as we contemplate acting on our sexual fantasies. There are two other important considerations (at least!): Can the act be performed consensually? Can it be enjoyed with minimal risk of permanent harm?

Your kink can definitely be performed consensually, and there are ways to minimize the risks of harm — and I'm not talking about only sticking your head in an Easy-Bake Oven. I'm talking about finding a responsible/indulgent/macabre partner who's willing to indulge/assist/monitor. Yours is a kink that can be explored only during supervised play, otherwise you run the risk of fucking up and accidentally hanging yourself. You can never do this solo. So if you don't have a responsible and unflappable partner, HANGED, you'll have to stick to your right hand and your imagination.

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