SCIENTIFIC NAME: Powertripius Copperosis
NAME: Jim Tucker, a.k.a. "Barney Fife."
OCCUPATION: Security guard or part-time police officer, moonlighting during the summer as a Put-in-Bay cop.
REASON ON THE ISLAND: To protect and serve by arresting everyone in sight.
FAVORITE DRINK: Just water, ma'am.
MUSICAL TASTES: "Dueling Banjos" from Deliverance soundtrack, GarthBrooks.
TELLTALE SIGNS: Notable for their 120-pound builds, pathetic attempts to grow a mustache, and the distinct impression they'd get their ass kicked at any bar on the island if not for their badge and gun.
QUOTABLE: "Shut the fuck up and be happy I don't run you in! Oh, what the hell, I'm runnin' you in!"
CAN BE FOUND AT 3:47 a.m.: Patrolling the island hoping to make more arrests.
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Terrifidious Oldmaidious
NAME: Betty Blottovitz
OCCUPATION: Unclear, though she definitely works on Rockside Road.
REASON ON THE ISLAND: Hoping to meet that elusive lawyer. Or doctor. Or firefighter. Or anyone.
FAVORITE DRINK: Strawberry Daiquiri.
MUSICAL TASTES: Shania Twain, Kenny G, Celine Dion--the more Grammy Awards, the better.
TELLTALE SIGNS: Weathered face, bleached-blond hair, and a bikini-top-and-jean-shorts combo that fit a whole lot better when Betty was a senior in high school and forty pounds lighter.
QUOTABLE: "I just can't party like I used to."
CAN BE FOUND AT 3:47 a.m.: Sleeping. She's been passed out since 8 p.m.
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Delirious Bachelorettius
NAME: Stephanie Helms
OCCUPATION: Account executive at public-relations firm.
REASON ON THE ISLAND: Bachelorette party.
FAVORITE DRINK: Any frou-frou shot, particularly Sex on the Beach.
MUSICAL TASTES: Saturday Night Fever soundtrack and Totally '80s CD.
TELLTALE SIGNS: The unofficial Put-in-Bay bachelorette uniform--beat-up wedding veil, T-shirt adorned with Lifesavers candy offering strangers "a suck for a buck," and monstrous penis-shaped water-gun, usually filled with vodka and fruit punch.
QUOTABLE: "We were going to live in Lakewood, but my dad said the neighborhood is getting really bad. So we're going to build a house in Bay Village."
CAN BE FOUND AT 3:47 a.m.: Projectile vomiting. Stephanie's married college friends are there to hold back her hair, but her younger sister, the maid of honor, is off having her first one-night stand.
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Inebritious Fratboyous
NAME: Matt Ranallo
OCCUPATION: Student at Kent State. On the five-year plan, though will probably take six.
REASON ON THE ISLAND: Chicks and beer, beer and chicks.
FAVORITE DRINK: Jägermeister with a Bud Light chaser.
MUSICAL TASTES: Rage Against the Machine and Korn, though will listen to Pearl Jam when feeling reflective.
TELLTALE SIGNS: Cutoff cargo shorts, no shirt, and one of those Gilligan's Island-style hats, code on the island for "Arrest me."
QUOTABLE: "Did you see the tits on that chick?" (Repeated 82 times on one Saturday afternoon.)
CAN BE FOUND AT 3:47 a.m.: Either in jail or banging Stephanie Helms's kid sister.
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Midlifius Crisious
NAME: Rich Szymanski
OCCUPATION: Sells copiers and fax machines, but is just one hot stock tip away from becoming a day trader.
REASON ON THE ISLAND: Celebrating his recent divorce by bringing the boat up from Lorain.
FAVORITE DRINK: Anything that helps kill the taste of his cigar.
MUSICAL TASTES: The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan.
TELLTALE SIGNS: A bathing suit instead of shorts and a baseball cap covering his bald head. His Hawaiian-print shirt
is never buttoned, revealing pecs gone
to breasts and a monstrous gut that suggests every day is Miller Time.
QUOTABLE: "I could have played in the NFL if my high school coach didn't screw me by starting the other guy at right tackle."
CAN BE FOUND AT 3:47 a.m.: Prostrate and alone on his boat, complaining loudly that all women are "bitches.