Scott White didn’t become a stand-up comic because he loves telling jokes. He just isn’t qualified to do anything else, he says. “If the comedy business does not work out for me, I’ll have a tin cup and a sign in about three weeks,” he says. The thirtysomething Michigan native plays up his single-guy status in his act -- but keep him away from teenage girls. “They are the worst thing on the face of the Earth,” he says. “I don’t know how pedophiles do it. Because after 15 minutes of ‘Are we there yet? Oh, my God! Are you kidnapping me? Oh, my God!’, it’s like, get out of the car. Here’s my name and address. Turn me in, so I don’t do this again.”

White spends his spare time working out -- just in case Hollywood comes knocking. “It’s different than it was in the ’80s, when everybody was doing coke and heroin,” he says. “Now everyone’s doing push-ups and wheat germ. You have to look good for the camera -- especially with HDTV. They can see pimples you had in high school.”
Thu., May 24, 8:30 p.m.; May 25-26, 8 & 10:30 p.m.