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The Terrorist in the Sleigh

FBI thwarts a criminal mastermind.


Subject is in possession of "Thomas the Tank," a ground forces fighting vehicle.
  • Subject is in possession of "Thomas the Tank," a ground forces fighting vehicle.


Mr. Attorney General Ashcroft:

I wish to alert you to a terrorist threat, based on an exhaustive investigation by the FBI Counter-Intelligence Task Force, Cleveland Office. Subject is one SANTA CLAUS -- alias KRIS KRINGLE, SAINT NICK, THE ROUND GUY.

Subject was previously thought to be a serial burglar. Modus Operandi: Breaking and entering residential units through chimney or other exhaust apparatus. However, new information reveals that CLAUS has operational cells worldwide, including in terrorist and/or socialist nations like Libya, Syria, and Sweden. Method of organization-building involves lavishing gifts on so-called "disaffected youth."

Subject is closely aligned with faction known as THE ELVES, whose green paramilitary uniforms indicate ties to the IRISH REPUBLICAN ARMY. Subject is known to wear a long beard favored by Islamic extremists and dresses exclusively in the color red, suggesting membership in THE BLOODS, an American street gang linked to a mysterious splinter group called FUBU, which we believe to be an active sub-cell of HEZOBOLLAH.

Subject is confirmed to be in possession of "Thomas the Tank," thought to be a ground forces fighting vehicle. Subject is also said to be developing a surface-to-air missile known as "Barbie Dream SCUD," though production status is unknown.

Informants indicate CLAUS and his associates are planning a major unspecified action on or about the early morning hours of December 25, 2002. Surveillance of CLAUS confirms that he has made numerous appearances at Cleveland-area malls. Possible conclusion: CLAUS may be preparing a symbolic action against American capitalism and our country's Christian faith, since target date coincides with a significant religious holiday.

Mr. Attorney General, I pass this information on with the utmost urgency. As you may know, I was the FBI headquarters supervisor accused of stalling the investigation of ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI, which is why I'm now in Cleveland. On a personal note, I would hope that you remember who first alerted you to the SANTA CLAUS threat, so that I may regain my appointment to Washington headquarters. It's really cold here, Mr. Attorney General.

Yours in Fighting Evil,
Agent Michael Maltbie
Counter-Intelligence Task Force
FBI Cleveland Office


Dear Mr. President:

I'm afraid we have another terrorist mastermind on our hands. Agents have confirmed that Santa Claus, an international terrorist operative, plans to launch a Christmas Day attack on Cleveland-area malls. I don't have to tell you, Mr. President, that this poses a grave threat to a very large Republican contributor, The Limited Inc.

The Cleveland Office has confirmed that Claus is working in concert with the IRA, the Bloods, and FUBU, an extremely violent faction of Hezbollah.

Hence, I respectfully request an executive order to eliminate Claus. Though this may technically be illegal, Mr. President, I submit that our first priority is to protect the American people, and worry about legalities later. I anxiously await your decision.

Best Regards,
Attorney General Ashcroft

Dear John:

Excellent work! I'm tired of just blowing up stuff on PlayStation. I want to kill real stuff!

Can't our intelligence confirm that Claus is working for that madman from Idaho (wink, wink)? It would be funner to blow up a whole country than just one guy.

P.S. We need a new slogan. Ari says the Axis of Evil can only have three evils, and Claus makes four. What do you think about the Fourplex of Evil? I think it sounds cool.

Yours Truly,


Dear Mr. President:

Pardon the correction, sir, but I believe you're thinking of Iraq, a Middle Eastern country with weapons of mass destruction. Idaho is actually an American state run by Mormons who have lots of wives -- not a bad idea if you're asking me, Mr. President. :-)

Personally, I too would like to annihilate Iraq. Nothing says "American Might" better than a good leveling of a foreign country. Unfortunately, we can't strike until the U.N. inspectors are done.

With respect to Claus, perhaps there's an alternative: We could execute him with a car bomb, and you could even press the button. It's not as fun as obliterating an entire country, I'll concede, but I humbly submit this to be your best chance to use live explosives in the near future, Mr. President.

P.S. The "Fourplex of Evil" slogan is indeed very "cool," as you would say. Might I suggest that it's further evidence of your rapier wit?

Best Regards,
Attorney General Ashcroft

Dear John:

OK, if that's all we can blow up right now, let's kill Santa Claus. But I get to press the button. You promised!

P.S. Want to come over and play video games this afternoon? I just got Army Men: Green Rogue!

P.S.S. Me and you should party in Idaho sometime.



Dear Mr. President:

Check, sir. Operation Smoke Santa is a go.

P.S. No can do on PlayStation. My regrets. Have cabinet meeting and then scheduled to speak in tongues.

Best Regards,
Attorney General Ashcroft

Santa Killed in Blast

CLEVELAND -- Santa Claus, the Christmas figure beloved by children worldwide, was killed today in a car-bomb blast at Randall Park Mall in suburban Cleveland, where he was scheduled to make an appearance.

Though no group immediately claimed responsibility, Attorney General John Ashcroft revealed that an FBI analysis of the scene indicated Claus had been carrying weapons of mass destruction, which accidentally detonated. Ashcroft also confirmed that the FBI has "concrete proof" that Claus was an Iraqi intelligence agent.

"We've been suspicious of Mr. Claus for quite some time," said the attorney general. "Obviously, no one gives toys away at less than suggested retail price without a sinister motive. Someone had to be funding this operation, and our investigation verifies that someone was Saddam Hussein."

The White House immediately announced that President Bush would address the nation at 8 p.m. this evening. High-ranking sources say he will unveil his new "Fourplex of Evil" strategy for fighting terrorism, and that he would also declare war on Iraq . . .

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