How Not to Get Gigs

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Nick Zuber, a 21-year-old singer-guitarist from Painesville, recently tried to land a gig at the Lime Spider, a prime indie stage in Akron. When the club ignored several of his e-mails, the kid fired off a note to club management, claiming the Spider "doesn't care about local musicians and looks down upon them as if your better than them. I'll be sure to remember your email and share it with the whole local music scene in the Lake County area." (Side note: The Lake County music scene is burgeoning; they've now got four whole guys playing harmonica and banjo on Bill's porch, up two guys from last summer.) If that wasn't enough, Zuber then pulled the old "I work for a free weekly" move. Why people keep using this I have no idea; even people who actually work for free weeklies don't tell people they work for free weeklies. It's a total game-killer. Nonetheless, it's the go-to move of the desperate and pathetic, and Zuber went straight to it, writing: "I also work with Scene magazine, so look for an article about your awesome venue and how it LOVES its local talent. Thank you and God Bless." Of course, Nick doesn't work for Scene, and never has. And when Scene wrote him a note politely asking him to knock that shit off, he demurred like any good John Mayer fan should. But you can still make fun of him on his MySpace page, which I highly recommend. -- Joe Tone

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