Fulwood Watch: Sam takes the offensive


This week, Sam goes to battle with ignorance, and realizes he's on the wrong side. Headline: Modest proposal to mend city's ills Date: October 10, 2006 Topic: An anonymous caller calls Sammy out for ripping the Ohio gambling ballot issue without offering alternative solutions for improving the economy. Sammy counterattacks by proposing that that responsibility is best delegated to someone else. Originality: 1/10. We're pretty sure Sammy cribbed this technique directly from either the Cuyahoga County Board of Elections or an AT&T call center in New Delhi, India. Difficulty: 6/10. Hey, at least this column wasn't just copied and pasted from his e-mail box. Sam Gets Poetic: "If more people — especially the poor and hopeless — voted their interests, we would have different priorities and different politicians." Translation: I have no clue what the new priorities would be or who the new leaders would be. The Master Has Spoken: "I have no clue what the new priorities would be or who the new leaders would be." Translation: It's spooky, isn't it? What Sam Reveals About Sam: Either he's experimenting with backyard psychedelic plants, or we're all too stupid to realize he's a genius. CliffsNotes Version: Hmmm, let's see if any of these voice mails are from Papa John's. Those fuckers still owe me a free order of bread sticks... Oh, another fancy pants who thinks I'm an idiot. Alright, time for the gloves to come off... Where's my intern at? Damn, it's her day off. Guess I gotta do this myself... OK, what would Sammy do to improve Cleveland? Think, think. Gee, if only all the people in Cleveland voted, then I'd know what they wanted me to say, and I could just go along with it. A-ha! That was easy... Phew, time for a nap.

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