In our attempt to ride the enormously popular Plain Dealer
feature "Cheers and Jeers," which they in turn stole from another paper, C-Notes has contacted some of today's hottest public figures to chime in on the week's headlines. This week's celebrity: Plain Dealer
columnist Dick Feagler.
To the city of Lima for corralling the town's sex offenders for trick-or-treat night. Our little witches and goblins should be able to collect candy without worrying about Old Mr. McFeelyHands with the enormous head feeling their private parts with his cane. When I was just a wee little boy, my mother would dress me up like a little lion cub, with ears made of orange construction paper and pipecleaners for whiskers. You see, we couldn't afford the expensive costumes like our neighbors with their fancy new Buicks. Ah, it was a simpler time.
To the students at Ohio State University who learned the hard way what can happen when practical jokes go too far. Although there's no evidence to suggest that the elevator accident which crushed a student to death last week was a college prank, this old man's been to the sheep farm too many times to have the wool pulled over, sonny. When I was just a lad, some friends and I decided it would be funny to tie our high school principal's boxer shorts to the school flagpole. That was back in the day when you didn't watch movies, you listened to 'em on the radio. And you also didn't have to pin your friend under a two-ton elevator to get a good chuckle.
To Bay Village, for offering free document shredding Saturday at the police parking lot, from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. We have so much paper cluttering our lives these days. So much junk in the mail every day. Put some clothes on, Victoria! I'm too old to be seein' those sweet, sweet melons at 8 o'clock in the dang morning!
To Mott's Applesauce. Who the heck at Mott's had the bright idea to start puttin' these darn plastic seals on the applesauce cups. Dagnabbit! Maybe I should hire a little Chinese man with dainty fingers to try to find out how the hell to open this thing. Oh, I'm sorry, does that make me un-PC? Go whine about it, Frenchy! -- Jared Klaus