Lez Zeppelin: Squeeze Their Lemons

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Yes, Lez Zeppelin are girls, and pretty ones at that. But so scorching is their rendition of "Dazed and Confused" -- guitarist Steph Paynes does a great Jimmy Page, complete with taking a violin bow to her axe -- that we couldn't help but wonder how the most famous and sleazy saga in rock history would be different if the Brit bombers had been a quartet of goddesses from the get-go. Here's how it might play out: 1) As detailed in the trashy read Golden Apple of the Gods, the group jams a red snapper up some young man's butt (instead of violating a female groupie with seafood). 2) The band's angel mascot would have a way bigger package. 3) Zeppelin would have toured with the Go-Go's, and the infamous videotape of a drunken Belinda Carlisle would have featured hot girl-on-girl action between the bands' singers. 4) The endless concert film The Song Remains the Same wouldn't have been so goddamned dull. 5) The band's drum-driven instrumental number would be called "Moby Clit." 6) Guy fans wouldn't bemoan title In Through the Out Door as "some kind of weird gay shit." 7) Tori Amos' cover of "Thank You" would have been a hit single. 8) Zeppelin would have recorded twice as many albums and toured into the 1990s because they wouldn't have been caught up in juvenile cock-rock antics. Lez Zeppelin plays the Beachland Ballroom Thursday, November 16. — D.X. Ferris

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