Headline: Celebrity leeches feed on lazy nation
November 28, 2006
Sam Fulwood III, The Laziest Columnist in America (TM), accuses America of being lazy when he takes on last week's most obvious column fodder: The O.J. Simpson and Michael Richards cases. In this episode, the master argues that both cases aren't really about America's race problem, then goes on to say how they relate to America's race problem.
1/10. Alas, Sammy jumps in after 7,982 other columnists already beat the subject to death. He tries to perform mouth-to-mouth, but subject dies in second paragraph. Fortunately, each edition of today's Plain Dealer
comes equipped with a priest to perform last rites.
2/10. Sam may be the last guy to jump on the bandwagon, but judges give him an extra point for managing to make a racist comedian and a guy accused of double-homicide duller than a junior college biology textbook from 1973.
Sam Gets Poetic:
"If black and white Americans weren't such couch potatoes, viewing reality through flickering images entering their segregated homes, they might experience reality long enough to stop living separate lives." What? Is Sam boldly arguing that Americans watch too much TV? Be still, my heart, for the freshness of his thinking wafts through meadow like the scent of new prairie flowers. Brilliant!
The Master Has Spoken:
"It's ridiculous to tease greater meaning about race relations out of the folly of these two fools." Unfortunately, he spends the entire column doing just that.
What Sam Reveals About Sam:
Weirdly, nothing. Sam was on vacation last week, which usually means a column about "Daddy," "Dearest Daughter," or a visit to North Carolina (our personal favorite). But Sam is once again seduced by the one thing he loves even more than writing about Sam: race. Did you know some people don't like other kinds of people? Sammy III gets to the bottom of this astonishing news.
"Cheryl? Yeah, Sam here... Sam Fulwood III, your boss. Yeah, that Sam... Say, I had this really interesting idea about wayside rest stops while I was on vacation. You know, my thoughts on wayside... No, it will be interesting... No, really, Cheryl, some have clean bathrooms and some don't. I'm sure my loyal readers... That's a little harsh, coming from an intern... Cheryl, do I need to remind you that I'm the columnist here and you're just a junior at — what school are you going to? ... Yes, of course, Kent... Anyway, wayside rests... OJ? Michael Richards? Wasn't he a point guard for the Nets?... Ah, a racist comedian. Certainly my loyal readers are awaiting my thoughts... The research is already taken care of?... Excellent, Cheryl. I must say they have a fine journalism department at Ball State... Yes, have a rough draft in my email by noon.... You're the best Cheryl. My loyal readers really appreciate.... Cheryl? Are you there?"