Ted Diadiun's suggestion box


Plain Dealer reader rep Ted Diadiun, when he's not busy playing solitaire with a Ted Diadiun-themed deck of cards, frequently sends out e-mail queries to readers, asking for their input on the topics of the day. Recently he asked us to chime in on the hot-button issue of immigration. If we could rewrite the U.S. citizenship test for immigrants, what questions would we ask to better screen the people we are letting into our country. My suggestions for updating the test: Instead of asking, "What are the colors of the U.S. flag?" How about, "What color wire brings the positive charge to a stick of dynamite?" Instead of asking, "Who helped the pilgrims in America?" How about, "Do you know anyone named Osama, Muhammed, or Akbar?" Instead of asking, "What is the White House?" How about, "Do you plan on buying a house, or will you be staying in a cheap motel room while you hatch plans to blow up the nearest train car full of plutonium?" — Jared Klaus


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