by Pete Kotz
(1/5 point) x (five Ctrl-Cs) = one full difficulty point. + (1/5 point) x (five Ctrl-Vs) = one full difficulty point. = two difficulty points.Sam Gets Poetic: Trying to prove he's up on all the latest journalism trends, Sam busts out a little "citizen journalism" this week, delegating the poetry to readers like Rice Hershey from Cleveland Heights. "Don't you j'accuse on stodgy old Cleveland for the disappearance of Tops," Hershey writes. "Cheer us instead for not putting up with their customer indifference, rudeness ... lack of employee training." This is where Sam gets credit: Though he can't write, his readers can. Come to think of it, does anyone know if Rice Hershey is free on Tuesdays and Thursdays? The Master Has Spoken: "After all, we must eat," Sam writes. "Everyone — whether you cheer or curse Dennis' presidential ambitions — shops at a food store." Holy shit! You mean to tell us that everyone needs food? This is what C-Notes calls dropping some serious knowledge. What Sam Reveals About Sam: His incompetence is matched only by his brazenness. "Irate readers made me understand how much of a boo-boo I made by lamenting the departure of Tops," Sam writes. "Well, excuse me. How would I know that was a hot button?" Translation: "What the hell do you want me to do? Talk to people before I write the column?" CliffsNotes Version: What's that, Cheryl? Dennis Kucinich is running for president? Where'd you read that? The Plain Dealer? Huh. Is that a credible paper? I might be able to squeeze a real column out of that little nugget. In fact — yes! I'm going to write a real column today! Let's see those dicks at Fulwood Watch try to — Ding. You've got mail! Ooh! Email! Maybe it's HR responding to my vacation request. Why we have to fill out paperwork for a lousy six-month sabbatical is beyond me, but if that's what it takes to appease the powers that be ... Shit. Who the hell is Rice Hershey? Unless he's from HR ... wait-a-second! This guy can write! And this has to be, like, the fourth email I've got about that shitty Tops column Cheryl wrote on Tuesday. One more email and I might be able to — Ding. You've got mail! Hey, Cheryl! How do I do that copy-and-paste thing again?!