John Campanelli: God forbid you ever have to party with this man.
Leave it to the stiffs at The Plain Dealer to turn a road trip to Arizona
— with stops in Vegas and LA — into an adventure rivaling a Golden Girls marathon.
In case you've cancelled your subscription, a quick update: Last week, The PD
loaded reporter John Campanelli into a beater with three college students bound for Glendale, Arizona, for the BCS Championship Game. The guys planned on making their way to the desert slowly, stopping to party in Vegas and, in LA, to take a shot at getting on The Price of Right
Impossible to fuck up, you say? Dear friend, you vastly underestimate The PD's commitment to providing quality napping material. The stories in the paper — there have been three thus far — have made Campanelli and the kids seem like perhaps the most boring traveling foursome ever assembled. So far, the series' drama has hinged mostly on the Ford Taurus's check engine light, the Ford Taurus's mileage, and the fact that the guys — cover your ears, children! — are actually missing class to take this road trip.
Fear and Loathing this ain't.
Campanelli's blog isn't much better. He at least hints at what's actually going on: "They quenched their thirst," he wrote in Vegas. "And they met girls." But it's becoming obvious that either a.) Campanelli is really scared of his wife, b.) his subjects are really scared of their moms, c.) the editors are really scared of their own shadows, or, most likely, d.) all of the above.
This was best summed up in Campanelli's blog from a morning after in Vegas:
Their night on the Strip sounded like a blast. [Apparently, Campanelli didn't go with them, fearing it might make interesting reading.]
They went and saw the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls perform at Caesars Palace ("I got some feathers from their boas," said Anthony).
They gambled at Harrah's, Caesars, the Monte Carlo and Treasure Island. They quenched their thirst. And they met girls.
"We got some numbers," Anthony said.
"Got several numbers," Dave said.
"I have some other noteworthy stories," he added. "But that doesn't mean they need to be told."
In related news, a guy named Dave with a preternatural gift for withholding interesting stories, has been hired as The PD's new editor. — Joe P. Tone