Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

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One of Pan's better scenes. I slept through it.
Movie Reviews by The Douchebag Sitting Behind You: Pan's Labrynth. Disclaimer: Let me start off by saying that I have no idea what this movie was supposed to be about. I came in late, then fell asleep in the middle. And it was in some dumb foreign language that I later discovered to be Mexican. That said, this movie friggin' blew -- even more than the cheese fries with bacon bits I paid $5.75 for, then left under my seat for the cleaning dude. I guess you in the movie world would say this movie had parallel story lines. First there was some dude named "The Captain" -- pronounced "El Capeetan," who's trying to fend off his castle from some rebel Spanish militia hiding in the woods. He was by far the coolest person in the movie. At one point he tells one of the captured Spanish rebel dudes with a stuttering problem that if he counts to three without stuttering, he'll let him free. The dude gets to three and stutters, so El Capeetan busts his melon open with a claw-hammer. Very cool! If the entire movie were a collection of such riveting scenes, I'd be like, "Hellz yeah!" But then it had to go and get gay on me. El Capeetan's daughter gets visited by a fairy in the middle of the night and it brings her to meet this Clingon-lookin' bitch called a faun, which is supposed to be some kind of mystical creature. Totally gay! I haven't felt this conflicted since I saw a double feature of the The Birdcage and American Eagle. Anyways, the faun tells the little girl she has to perform three magical tasks and then she'll become immortal. But she screws up the last one and the faun's like "Oh, you fucked up now," but then he gives her one more chance if she'll let him sacrifice her infant brother. But the little girl's like "No, I won't let you," so the faun's like, "Fine, I'm outta here." Then El Capeetan comes in and blasts the girl away with his Luger. The dude should win Best Actor, or whatever.

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