Took a road trip to our nation's capital this weekend in an effort to reduce the unexplained surplus in my checking account. As a service to you, dear reader, I have produced this Zagat Guide to a Weekend in Washington. Cut it out and bring it along for your next trip east!
Our correspondent was ridiculed by a hot Russian waitress (see example above) for not ordering Russian vodka
This "bustling metropolis" is "deceptively close," only a six-hour drive if your car isn't a "haggard piece of shit" and you don't get "totally cracked out" directions from Yahoo.com. Otherwise, "it takes seven and a half."
Once in D.C., "beware of Irish Car Bombs," a "frothy beverage" that will have "bouncers escorting you to a cab" and will make standing upright "excessively difficult."
On Saturday, dine in "ecclectic and energetic" Georgetown, where purchasing a cheeseburger requires "a small bank loan." And "be sure to stop in Urban Outfitters." This "trendy, chic" retailer will afford you the chance to hear a "trust-fund, polo-playing punk" declare his intention to "run for office one day." This future leader will then "buy a $30 t-shirt" that reads, "I'd hit that."
That night, be sure to "pay six dollars" for an Amstel Light, and "be ridiculed by a hot Russian waitress" for not ordering "Russian vodka," you "fucking pansy." Later, "work overtime" to court a "friendly Democratic staffer," only to lose out to a "toothless bastard named Igor," who happens to work for "the freaking Brookings Institute."
On the Sunday drive home, make sure you "feel like you've been mainlining Cuervo for a week," try to "doze off somewhere in Pennsylvania." — Joe P. Tone