Letters from Iwo Jima

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Let's face it: The Japanese are whiners who suck at blowing stuff up.
Movie reviews by the Douche-Bag Sitting Behind You... Yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnn!!!! I'd heard war was hell, but I didn't think war movies had to be. I'm not sure how long this thing kept going, on account of all the weed I smoked obscuring my sense of time and space, but I was about ready to commit hara-kiri with my car keys if some shit didn't start getting blown up, and fast. Now let's look at some of my favorite war flicks: Delta Force, Rambo III, and Rambo II — I like to watch 'em on mute while I pop in "2pacalypse Now" for a soundtrack. Rambo blows approximately 100 suckas away every minute. Chuck Norris causes roughly 532 explosions per film. Yet it seems all the Japanese Imperial Army does is sit around and die of dysentery while they're whining about how there's only like 10 of them against 20,000 American soldiers. Did you hear John Rambo bitching when he had to take on the entire country of Afghanistan by himself? No, 'cause that guy had heart. Truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of movies based on true stories. Kind of takes the fun out of the whole "magic of Hollywood" thing. I'm still searching Yahoo to find out if this piece of trash actually happened, and I'll report back. I'm pretty sure they've got to tell you in the beginning that, like, "this film was based on true events," or something, like a disclaimer. Until then, this film has inspired me to write my own letters — one to Dirty Harry asking when he turned into such a pussy, and one to Regal Cinemas' corporate office, saying I found a band-aid in my nacho cheese and I want a free movie voucher. Works every time . . .

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