Cleveland gets a C!

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Like the sucker that I am, I picked up the March issue of Men's Health recently, while I was waiting to pay for my ice cream and ranch dressing. I was persuaded by a cover blurb -- "LOSE YOUR GUT! SCULPT YOUR BODY IN JUST MINUTES A DAY!" -- only to find out that those minutes a day would have to be spent exercising. Needless to say, I will not be losing my guy any time soon. I do, however, smell strikingly similar to that skeezy old dude in the elevator, thanks to the free sample of Polo Double Black. I also learned something mildly interesting about our fair city: We don't have the nastiest tap water in the country! MH examined the levels of arsenic, lead, and other shit you really don't want to drink in the tap water of 100 cities, and get this: 22 cities had dirtier water than us! That's right, we ranked 78th! The poor bastards in Phoenix, LA, Indianapolis, and Charlotte are all drinking grade-F water, according to Men's Health, a leader in totally useless health studies. Columbus, Seattle, and some other cities graded out at a D. And Cleveland joined Vegas, San Diego, Portland, and several other cities that received a C grade. We're average, baby! We passed! If you're wondering — and I know you are, you depressive assholes -- the 77 cities that have better water than us include Oakland, Birmingham, Detroit, and Tulsa, all coincidentally located in Hell. — Joe P. Tone

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