Cleveland gets a C!

by

comment
Like the sucker that I am, I picked up the March issue of Men's Health recently, while I was waiting to pay for my ice cream and ranch dressing. I was persuaded by a cover blurb -- "LOSE YOUR GUT! SCULPT YOUR BODY IN JUST MINUTES A DAY!" -- only to find out that those minutes a day would have to be spent exercising. Needless to say, I will not be losing my guy any time soon. I do, however, smell strikingly similar to that skeezy old dude in the elevator, thanks to the free sample of Polo Double Black. I also learned something mildly interesting about our fair city: We don't have the nastiest tap water in the country! MH examined the levels of arsenic, lead, and other shit you really don't want to drink in the tap water of 100 cities, and get this: 22 cities had dirtier water than us! That's right, we ranked 78th! The poor bastards in Phoenix, LA, Indianapolis, and Charlotte are all drinking grade-F water, according to Men's Health, a leader in totally useless health studies. Columbus, Seattle, and some other cities graded out at a D. And Cleveland joined Vegas, San Diego, Portland, and several other cities that received a C grade. We're average, baby! We passed! If you're wondering — and I know you are, you depressive assholes -- the 77 cities that have better water than us include Oakland, Birmingham, Detroit, and Tulsa, all coincidentally located in Hell. — Joe P. Tone

Tags

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Cleveland Scene. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Cleveland Scene, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at news@clevescene.com.

Cleveland Scene works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Cleveland and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Cleveland's true free press free.