Further proof of the Chinese Master Race

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While the departure-in-disgrace of Cuyahoga County Elections Board Director Michael Vu had brought conflict to our Asian stereotypes — he practiced Karate, yet was a complete moron — 18-year-old Yuan Yuan, a student at Western Reserve Academy, is intent on setting it straight. Yuan Yuan, who goes by "Stanley" when he's interfacing with the rest of us imbeciles, won this year's Siemens Award for stellar scores on his math and science tests. Yet for Asians, excelling on tests is so 1995. So Yuan Yuan is taking his Chinese-ness to new heights. According to an article in today's Plain Dealer, Yuan Yuan has patents pending on an earthquake-proof house and automatic navigation shoes to be used by blonde joggers or blind people. But he's still ironing out the details for a highway anti-collision system and a drive-through scheme for wholesale stores. By the time he's 25, he hopes to have every American man, woman, and child stuffing firecrackers for 25 cents an hour. Read your fortune cookie, honkies: It's Yuan Yuan's world. We're just the stupid crackers he allows to eat General Tso's Chicken. -- Jared Klaus

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