Don’t look now, but the raging Grady vs. Brady forest fire is spreading.
If you haven’t been paying attention, you’re a loser. But don’t worry. I’ll be your guide through this philosophical conundrum of hotness. Basically, The Plain Dealer
recently posed a very meaningful question, the sort of thing Kant would have considered if his cable package included the ESPN 2: Who’s hotter: Tribe centerfielder Grady Sizemore or Browns quarterback Brady Quinn?
Vexing, I know. I spent all last week breaking this down with my old TI-82 calculator. But then today, I stumbled across a copy of the Seven Hills News, the newspaper put out by the suburb’s mayor, David Bentkowski
. In it, Bentkowski, who's always viewed modesty as a communicable disease, adds himself to the equation, putting his photo next to the two sex symbols’.
He then spends an entire page on a side-by-side-by-side comparison. Under “job duties,” for instance, he writes that Grady must “serve as catalyst of team.” Brady must “lead entire offense.” And the mayor? Well, he must “manage entire city.”
Bentkowski also breaks down the “accomplishments on behalf of the community.” Grady hit .270. Brady lost in the Sugar Bowl. The mayor? “Since Bentkowski took office,” he writes, “city coffers have $1.5 million more in, crime remains almost non-existent,” etc.
As for athletic feats, the mayor brags that he “throws out 5,000 Seven Hills News papers in one night all alone. Stands in front of K-Mart for 12 hours for the Salvation Army. Plays second base for The Casket Store in Parma Rec. League.”
Bentkowski closes with a plea to the people of Seven Hills: “The fact is I am as big a Grady or Brady fan as you are and I am glad they play for our home teams. My point is I wonder how much more I could accomplish for you and Seven Hills if more people took an active interest in our community the way they do for sports. Just as they play for ‘the love of the game’ – I work for my love of Seven Hills. I don’t need the money they make – I don’t need all the perks they receive. All I need is to know I am making a positive difference for my home town and for you. Cheer for Grady … Cheer for Brady … and doesn’t it make sense to Cheer for your Mayor?” – Joe P. Tone