Phil Burress to be probed, heh, heh

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Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burress will soon be getting probed, but probably not in the way he secretly wants to be. A complaint filed in March with the Secretary of State by the watchdog group Progress Ohio accuses him and his non-profit – dedicated to eradicating the last three remaining homos in Ohio – of illegally financing the 2004 campaign to ban gay marriage in Ohio, which was successful, and another campaign to keep Cincinnati’s anti-gay charter law, which failed. Progress Ohio claims that Burress, a reformed porn addict (sources say his collection of titles included “Dr. Neil Down,” “Ramming Miss Daisy,” and the perennial favorite “The Hand that Rocks My Ladle”) helped conceal millions of dollars in campaign contributions by funneling donations through Citizens for Community Values, which, as a non-profit, isn’t required to disclose the names of its individual contributors. A complaint making the same accusations was filed with the Ohio Elections Commission in 2005 by the group Equality Cincinnati, but the commission wouldn’t investigate. Now Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner is ready to kick some closet-homo ass. Because her husband’s law firm was involved in the earlier complaint, she’s recusing herself from the case. Independent counsel will be hired to investigate. Yet if she could take down the entire Cuyahoga County Board of Elections, some pervert with a right hand softer than a catcher’s mitt should be no problem. – Jared Klaus

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