The PD: Your Source for Remedial Exercise Tips

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Mondays tend to be scary for The Plain Dealer, the day newspapers struggle most to sell ads. So editors have countered by putting out slim editions filled with lots of light “news on the go” and state-the-obvious infographics. What they’re trying to say is, “Hey, we know you’re just too busy to read a real newspaper on Monday.” It may be a naked lie, but it’s way better than, “Hey, nobody will buy an ad in this piece of shit anymore.” But today, the paper may have produced the greatest waste of ink since Sam Fulwood had a column. It’s lead story, “We're putting too much stress on our kids,” detailed how kids are like totally getting stressed, in case you hadn’t read the 178,540,278 previous stories on this subject over the past 20 years. “Even things that used to be fun like soccer and volleyball are now competitive. They aren’t fun anymore,” Dr. Elie Rizkallah of MetroHealth Medical Center told The PD. “I have no idea how people are letting this happen, but the children are suffering for it.” Jesus Mary Joseph! But it wouldn’t be the Monday Plain Dealer unless the story was accompanied by a useless yet unexplainably large infographic taking up a significant portion of the front page. So to compensate for the decreased enjoyment of volleyball among our youngsters, The PD illustrated four simple steps to follow: Close your eyes, breathe, raise your arms above your head, and lower them back down to your sides -- because you’d look kind of funny if you kept your arms above you head all the time, now wouldn’t you? (Paper’s new motto: Miss a day, miss a remedial exercise tip.) But while your kids may have fewer headaches, the infographic apparently won’t stop Little Johnny from being a pussy at soccer. – Jared Klaus

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