In response to the question posed in my June 6 letter
as to the real cause of Rev. Jerry Falwell's death: I have since discovered the answer, thanks to information leaked to me by insiders at Falwell's Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia.
Falwell died of severe constipation, caused by an extremely tight ass. Over the years, as his ass became tighter and tighter, the reverend simply couldn't do-do the number two, and he became more and more full of shit. Many people mistook his obesity for fat. It wasn't. It was shit.
Finally, on May 15th, his body couldn't take the strain any longer and, while in his office writing another homophobic screed, he exploded.
The resulting cacophony sent staffers rushing to his office, only to be greeted by the sight of his office walls, ceiling and floor covered in shit.
The reason it took a full week before his funeral on May 22 is that a haz-mat team spent six days trying to find all of his body parts, the last part found being his microscopic anus.
Louis H. Pumphrey